Well...
:::deep sigh:::
Where do I even start?? I keep saying my life is changing and I don't like putting things in here that might change later. And...let me admit it and get it over with...I'm just a regular girl who gets scared and wants to run from God's plans, or from life, when things seem to get too darn big and scary. And if I blog about it, I'm afraid you'll see my faults and failures. ;-)
I'm tired.
I'm tired of being tired.
I don't want to play this game anymore.
Why have I not yet learned to never utter the words to God "I'm bored"??????? When will I learn that lesson? And why does my boredom have to be replaced with strife and struggles and exercising that Big Faith I claim to have?
I wrote in this post about my church's upcoming mission trip to El Salvador and how I prayed and prayed and laid out a fleece about going and God responded with, "Yes. You're going. And I will provide."
It didn't make any sense to me why I would go on that trip. It doesn't make any sense now.
I have been on hiatus from facebook for a few weeks now (in all honesty, I don't miss it AT ALL). So unless you're my mom, my sister, Bethany, or Aimee, you probably have no idea what's going on in my life.
I don't have any idea either. ;-)
I feel a call to go on the November 2011 El Salvador trip with my church. I don't know why, but I know it also has to be that specific trip. I thought, before today, that it was just my own desires that were leading me to go. And that when things fell apart on Friday, it would be okay to just wait and go on a later trip. And then I spent Saturday in a state of discord or discouragement or something. I don't know what. I didn't feel the Spirit of God sitting next to me and surrounding me (not that He left me) and I didn't feel peace. Mostly, I didn't feel anything. And then in church this morning, as the worship and service progressed, I found myself crying crocodile tears over this trip. I'm supposed to go.
For the sake of your understanding, let me explain further. :) I cannot afford to go on this trip. The total cost is $1900. By the grace and provision of the Lord, I am currently up to date on payments towards the trip. I have paid $800 so far. On August 7, a payment of $400 is due. I currently have half of it. On September 4, I owe another $400. On October 5. my final payment of $300 is due. My fleece, which I mentioned in my previous post, was for a child to babysit. I cannot pay for a mission trip out of my budget. I live with my parents, and keep my expenses minimal, to make ends meet. I have just enough, if I'm careful, to take care of my kids. And I am totally okay with that. I actually enjoy living a life that allows God to be glorified through prayer and faith in meeting our needs, but that's a whole new post. ;-)
So...the idea of going on a $2000 mission trip, for me, is CRAZY. I cannot afford it on my own. And sitting here, typing these words, is bringing back the tears and emotions all over again.
I live my life every day for our God. I love Him, I love serving Him, I trust Him completely in every way. I spend most of my day in random prayer, just talking to Him. I know when we are close, and I know the moment I am out of line (whether it's out of disobedience or stepping out of His will). I can feel the distance between Him and I in an overwhelming way. I don't like losing that peace and the feel of His Presence. But when we are close, when I am in almost constant prayer, He tells me things. He guides me. He shows me the path He wants me to take, and sometimes He's even gracious enough to show me visions of the future. They're like little snapshots, and they don't always make sense until later. But He has made it very, very clear to me that He knows the level to which I have surrendered my life and the lives of my children and He has a specific plan for us. If I remain in obedience, trusting Him in every way, He will lead us down that path. And even though I cannot, in my humanness, see any reason why He would ask a single mother to go on a trip like this, I know He is asking me. And not only is He asking me, but the part that brings my tears to the surface is that i feel so sure that this trip is a very key part of the path He is leading me down.
He told me last December, that 2011 was to be my buffer year. It's the year that I will transition from one phase of my life into a new one. All the things that He told me would happen so far this year have happened, so I know I heard Him correctly. I've seen more of the future and I want that life. I want to serve Him and live for Him and bring Him glory and do His work. I feel such joy and peace over it!!!
My fleece that I had laid out before, a child for me to babysit and the money would go directly to the trip, was answered. I started babysitting an adorable little girl from our church. But Friday, I found out that at least until September, she will be at home with her sisters. When her sisters return to school in the Fall, I hope I will get her back.
I panicked on Friday. How am I going to pay for my trip? The little bit of extra money I have is being saved to purchase a few needed homeschooling materials for this year. I simply cannot pay for this trip if I don't babysit. That's why I asked for that specific prayer. What do I do now?? I felt so very defeated and discouraged.
But today, I know that He wants me to go. I do not know why. I will never understand God and His ways, and I'm not even going to try. :) I am going to believe that He will provide the money. I'm a number cruncher, and after crunching numbers in my head, I think I can do it. It's not going to be easy, but I believe the blessings will be great. I'm asking for donations, and I'm confident the Lord will speak to hearts about helping to sponsor my trip. I know the Lord will bless each and every person who chooses to give, who helps me on my journey. Maybe this was one way God planned to provide all along, but I was trying to figure it all out myself?? I'll probably never know.
I said it before, but I will say it one more time...I do not know why God is calling me to El Salvador in November. But I know He watches over me and my kids and He is taking us somewhere intentional. Somehow, this trip fits into all of it. Maybe one day I will see the pieces of the puzzle and how they fit together. But even if I don't, I trust Him. :) And I've learned that His ways are so much better than anything we could ever come up with on our own.
I will continue to blog about the journey we are on, and about the mission trip. God is at work in every life that surrenders to Him, and I'm inviting you to watch mine if you want :) I pray He is speaking in each of your lives, and that you have surrendered control to Him. The blessings are so great and so worth it. I'm also reactivating my facebook account. I know that I will no longer allow it to waste my time, and I miss having it as a tool for connecting with people in my life. It's also a way to keep those who are interested up to date on the events in our lives. :)
If God is asking your heart to give a gift towards my trip, I would first like to say "thank you more than you know." I pray He pours blessings on those who help, and that you understand my deep gratitude. You can send donations to:
Warren Woods Church of the Nazarene
14300 13 mile road
Warren, MI 48088
Please enclose a note that you are donating on behalf of Liz Wehrman for the El Salvador mission trip. If you have any questions, you can email me at LizWehrman@aol.com.
I'm stepping out in faith right now and in blogging about all of this, I'm allowing everyone to see God work. We serve an awesome, mighty God, who answers prayer and always provides. He also provides direction and helps us through every struggle. I trust Him and I'm believing in Him. And through my blog, which I will regularly update, I'm providing the opportunity for those interested to watch God work through a simple little single mother and her life. I hope it blesses you in some way. :)
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