Andrew Phillip

My boy is 6 years old today.  I know every parent says it, but I can't believe it's been 6 years!! 

He came after two miscarriages, and an incredibly rough pregnancy.  By the time I was 6 months along, I had gone into labor and been put on bedrest and crazy medication.  I stayed in bed for 2 months, continually contracting, until my doctor finally allowed me to deliver on May 26. 

After 2 months of bedrest and cramping and medicine that made my heart race and everything that I experienced in that pregnancy, I was so happy to finally have it over with and be able to hold my baby.

And then he caught Group B Strep during delivery.  By the time the nurses realized he was struggling to breathe, and got him to the nursery, he was purple and having a heart attack.

It was the scariest day of my life. 

He spent 10 days at the hospital, on antibiotics.  On June 4, I finally brought my baby boy home.

Now, he's 6 years old.  He's my crazy boy.  The only one of my children to visit the emergency room as a result of a stunt.

The only one to kiss a skateboard with his face and get right back on.

The one who stood on the top of his crib as a toddler, to wrap the chains of the ceiling fan around the blades.  Who would wake up at 3:00 am when he was 4 years old, because he was smart enought to know everyone in the house was asleep and he could climb up on daddy's desk and get his beloved remote control helicoptor.  The one who struggles with a speech delay and just this week started to cal Amerie by her name, instead of "Mamway."  The one who's "painfully shy." 

He's also the only of my kids who thinks of the most carefully thought out question about the world, who wants to know the "how" and "why" behind everything that is and does.  The one who can't sit still or fall alseep or be serious for 30 seconds.  :) 

He's my boy.

I joke all the time that God gave me 3 girls and only 1 boy for a reason.  He wears me out every single day. He fights with his sisters and refuses to obey, simply because he's stubborn.  ;-)  He's hyper and he's always hungry and he hates green beans like no other.  

But that little boy loves his mommy, and his mommy loves him.  I know that at least once a day, he still needs to climb in my lap for a few minutes and just "Be."  I treasure those moments every day, because I know that all too soon he will be too big for my lap.  And when the moment is quiet, and him and I are alone, we have the best conversations.  I love his heart and his mind.  I know God has big plans for him.  

I took this picture last night.  I told him to smile.  I was lucky he let me take his picture.  :)

I had to promise this one to get the other one.  :)  He's teaching himself to move his eyes and his eyebrows independantly.  I have yet to get it on film.  ;-)




I love my bubba.  I love him so much. 

Today is Phil's day, so I won't get to spend it with the birthday boy.  But tomorrow, he wants to "buy stuff." That's all he has said to me.  "Mom...can we buy stuff??"  I don't know where he got the idea that "buying stuff" is what you do on your birthday, but I promised to take him to the train and hobby store.  :) 

I'm hoping he can stay reasonable.  ;-)

El Salvador

Well...

I've said repeatedly that I've had a lot going on in my heart and my life that I would love to share, but I just can't right now.  It's the main reason I've been such an inconsistant blogger. :)  I have so much to figure out, and as much as I'm an open book and would love to blog about all of it, I just can't at a time where nothing is certain and I might have to go back and change something i wrote.  ;-)  I'll wait until I've prayed and prayed something through, and I am very certain of God's voice.  Then I will share it. 

So...

I'M GOING TO EL SALVADOR!!!!!!!!!!

This is something that has been a long time in the making, but God's timing is perfect and the time for me to go is now.  Well, technically November...but you get it.  ;-)

I have always felt the call to missions.  From the time I was old enough to know what a missionary was and what they did, I felt the call.  I also carried a huge fear with me.  I said to God, "I will do anything you want and go anywhere you send me, as long as it's in the USA."  ;-)  I held back.  I was terrified of the dangerous possibilities in some areas of the world that the Lord could send me.  What if He called me to a place that was hostile towards Christians?  What if I was attacked?  Or even worse, what if I was martyred???  I couldn't take the chance.  And I didn't even know if He was going to send me on missions!!  And if He did, how did I know where He would send me?

It was within the past few years that I finally got to a place spiritually where I could release my fear to Him and know that no matter where God sent me, I would go.  I think going through the darkest parts of my divorce grew me the most.  I developed a deep love for our Lord like I had never known was possible, and I knew that no matter what happened in my life, His presence would surround me and He would walk with me through it.

The other thing holding me back on missions was my babies.  :)  For most of the past 10 years, I have either been expecting a child, or nursing one.  I said to Phil many times that I wanted to go on one of our church's mission trips, but I didn't know when I would take a break from having babies.  ;-)  I think it's safe to say now that I'm on a break.  :)

So...this is where El Salvador comes into the picture.  Our church (along with many churches in the US) has teamed with Compassion International to sponsor a church in a struggling community.  We are now working with Iglesia Sion church, in El Congo, El Salvador.  :)

From the time Pastor Gocha stood in front of the congregation and told us of the partnership, I felt the pull.  But I tucked it away.  This past March, some members of our church went back to El Salvador.  When they returned, I felt God say, "it's time."  I became filled with an excitement and passion and love for the people of El Congo.  I had NO IDEA how I was going to get myself there.  :)  But I knew I was going. 

I have been praying and praying ever since.  I had made the desecion in my heart to go, but I was afraid to act out in faith.  Every time I laid out a fleece, God responded with "yes."  I heard His voice clearly..."Liz...I'm sending you.  I will provide the money.  And you will not struggle financially to put the money together.  It will be clear that it is from Me."  I've even had a strong desire to learn Spanish, and have been teaching myself.  I'm hoping to purchase some material for learning more than the basics within the next few weeks.  And thanks to the awesomeness of Facebook, I have created a couple friendships with some people my age from El Congo.  :)  This was God, too, i am sure.  I do not accept friend requests from strangers, but I received one from someone from Sion church, and because I wanted to get to know the people, I accepted it. That particular friendship has been a huge blessing in my life.  I've learned so much about El Salvador from someone who's lived there their entire life.  My heart is already in El Congo.  I cannot wait to meet the people and pour out the love that the Lord has put in me for them.  I am so EXCITED.

Back to the acting out in faith part...this week my sister and I have been struggling with faith.  We know for certain that our God is BIG and that He can do anything.  We have no question over this.  But we struggle with doubt over His desire to act because of our prayers.

"What if He doesn't want to?"

Or "I knew at the time God told me _______.  But what if I heard Him wrong?"

Or "What if He changed His mind?"

The conclusion we came to this week, after discussing it like crazy, is that if you know you heard God's voice, you have to act according to that.  Even if you doubt it later.  When you doubt, pray for your faith to be restored.

Yesterday, our Pastor preached an answer to the question, "Why doesn't God answer my prayers?"  I won't go into the entire sermon, (I highly recommend the entire "Why?" series that is avaliable here.  Click on "podcasts.") but Pastor talked about "faith."  God hit me hard when he said that faith is not believing that God can, it's believing that God will.  I KNOW that God can provide for me to go to El Salvador.  I KNOW God called me there.  But why am I afraid?  During the service, I talked to God and released my fears.  When I left the sanctuary, I turned in my application and $200 deposit.  I trusted God.  I always knew He could, but I now believe He will.  He has already put so many "impossible" things in order so that I am able to go.  And while I was working in the nursery for the last service, an opportunity arose for me to expand my monthly income.  That was one of my specific prayers.  That God would add to my income, and I could put the extra money away for El Salvador without scraping together what I currently live on. 

God is good.  I say it all the time.  But He is so GOOD.  My heart feels like it will burst with the love and joy I have for Him and from Him.  And I am very excited about spending time in El Congo, getting to know the people and pour out God's love.  :) 

We serve such an awesome God!!

 

Mother's Day

It's almost Mother's Day.  :) 

I would expect a mother of four to look forward to Mother's Day.  I've earned it, right?  Four times over??  Breakfast in bed, handmade cards, a day off.  :)

Lol. Not exactly.  Mother's Day is one more example of the changes God has done in me.  For most of the years that Phil and I were married, he tried to make Mother's Day special for me.  And I soaked it up, looking forward to "a day off" for weeks beforehand.  Quite often, he had drill the weekend of Mother's Day and I ended up pulling through a fast food drive-thru so I wouldn't have to cook dinner on my "day off."  I didn't even care that we couldn't afford fast food.  I wasn't about to cook.

:::sigh:::

In two days, it will be Mother's Day again.  This time, I am officially a single mother.  There's no breakfast in bed.  :)  No handmade cards, unless I ask the kids to make them for me (this is part of being a homeschooling single mother), although i did get a special one from the boy I babysit. :)  And I'm confident that I will be making dinner for everyone and not getting a "day off."

I am totally okay with this!!!

I feel like this will be the most special Mother's Day that I have ever had.  :)  Now that I've finally gotten over myself and allowed the Lord to actually mature me, I can see what this special day is all about.  It's about moms.  About being a mom.  And having a mom.  It's about this...

And this..

This...

This...

And this...

I have been blessed with an amazing mother.  I mean it.  I couldn't ask for a better one.  She is super special and I thank the Lord for blessing me with her as my mom (my dad's pretty awesome, too!!).  She's an incredible example of a Godly woman.  She showed me, by example, how to love my children and know that they feel loved.  We have a great relationship, and always have.  She selflessly gives and loves each of her kids, and adores her grandbabies.  I wouldn't trade her for anything.  :)

And my kids?  All I have ever wanted to be was a mom.  Somewhere, tucked away in my heart, I hope I can have a couple more children someday.  But in the meantime, I spend every. single. day. thanking the Lord for blessing me with four children.  I'm 29.  I have a 9 year old, almost 6 year old, 4 year, and 2 year old.  I look at them and can't believe I have them!!  I wake up every morning with them crowded in bed around me, I kiss them and tell them I love them and I think they're super special all day long, and at bedtime, I kiss their forheads and praise and thank the Lord for creating such beautiful, special children and allowing me to spend my days with them!!  I can't believe how blessed I am.

Mother's Day isn't about me anymore.  :)  It's about them. 

It's about the woman who felt the same way about me that I feel about my babies (sometimes I can't grasp that!!)  And it's about the four precious children that gave me the title of "Mom."

I will wake up on Sunday and kiss each of them.  I'll tell my mom, again, that I love her.  And I will have a very special day. 

Because God is so good.  And He has blessed me abundantly.  :)

My WIC rebellion...

Yesterday morning, the (5) kids and I headed off to a WIC appointment.

I have been in the WIC program for awhile now.  A couple years ago, they completely changed their program and nutritional guidelines.  In most ways, this was a good thing.  More fruits and veges, farmer's market coupons (whoo-hoo!!!!) and whole-grains. 

BUT...

I now find myself getting in a little argument with the nutritionist every time I go.  :)

I suppose I could just slide under the radar and not tell them I feed my kids whole dairy.  I don't have to mention that I would never knowingly buy low-fat anything.  Phil was firm on whole dairy, and since the man is a darn good personal trainer and very knowledgeable in nutrition, I think his opinions hold some weight.  In all the research I've done on my own, I've drawn the same conclusions...fat is good for you.  Your body needs it to function.  Especially children, whose bodies are growing at an exceptional rate.

So, it always comes to this...

:::ahem:::  "It says here that you feed your children whole milk.  Is this true?"

"Yes.  Yes, it is." 

"You do know that here in the WIC program, we only recommend low-fat dairy for children over the age of two?"

"Yes.  I am aware.  But I'm firm in my belief that their developing bodies need the saturated fat found in dairy products."

Now let me tell you here that this conversation is always AFTER I am told that my children are beautiful and healthy and perfect on the height/growth charts.  They're proportionate and completely within healthy weight ranges.

It goes on...

"Yes, but here in the US we're seeing an epidemic of obesity and heart disease.  By switching to skim milk, we belive we are making a positive change."

"Yes, ma'am.  I understand this.  But my kids don't eat like normal American children.  They live on fruits and veges, whole-grains, and meats.  The only fat they get is from their dairy, and you're not going to convince me that a fat-free diet is healthy for anyone, especially children."

At this point, my rebellious, defiant side is flaring up.  I don't like being told how to feed my children.  I may not have a degree in nutrition, but you'd better believe I've done my research.  I know what's healthy, and why.  I know what's good, and what's bad.  I tend to get a little overly emotional when I'm told that I'm harming my children through their food.  Do I feed them fast food on a regular basis?  Nope.  Do they eat prepackaged foods the majority of the time?  Not at all.  I can hardly get myself to buy Goldfish crackers.  I finally relented and started buying Triscuits and Wheat Thins, because I'm just too lazy to make my own crackers.  But seriously, whole milk?!  Come on...

So this is what the nutritionaist said to me, in her final attempt to sway me from whole dairy...

(Said very sweetly, but a bit arrogantly)  "Let me just put it this way...do you realize that in one glass of whole milk, there is the saturated fat equivalent of 6 slices of bacon??  Just think about that for awhile."

Bacon, you say?

As much fat as a 6 pieces of bacon?

I was thinking, alright...

"Should I tell her that up until recently, I fed them raw milk, too??"

Oh, What a Tuesday!!

Yesterday was an interesting day.  Had it been 6 months ago, it would have sent me into either a fit of overwhelmed anger, or depression.  I thank the Lord that I am through the dark valley and I made it out the other side. I'll admit...it was scary for awhile.  But God is good, and He saw me through it.  Now I can take a bad day and laugh at it, while I roll my eyes at forces beyond my control.

Here's a list of my day, mostly in order of how it happened...

1.  My 2 year old started her day 6:45, instead of the usual 7:30.  That 45 minutes goes a long way toward her mood...

2.  My mom called to tell me that when she went to her car in the morning to leave for work, all of her consoles were open.  The theory is they were looking for cash, because they left anything remotely valuable.  Of course, this is the ONE TIME I forget to lock my van.  And even though they didn't take anything , it really bothered me.  :(  The perpetrator was kind enough to leave me an animal cracker, though.  And no, I'm not kidding.

3.  While trying to steal kisses from Amerie, I somehow got headbutted with her teeth.  It split my lip open and was kinda painful.  :-/  It's still tender this morning.

4.  Andrew was swinging his arms while walking through the kitchen and hit his thumbnail on a kitchen chair.  This bent his nail halfway up the nail bed, and split it up to the bend.  There was blood.  And a lot of tears.  And oh, the crying!!  Of course, this was during naptime, too...

5.  It was one of those days (and moms...you know what I am talking about) where each child was exceptionally needy and whiny.  I couldn't walk 5 steps without a child crying and holding my legs.  I finally lost my patience at my son in the evening, when I couldn't even use the bathroom for 2 minutes without a child whining or tattling at the door.  New rule in this house - If you're not bleeding or broken, don't knock on the door when mom's in the bathroom!!!

6.  I've been struggling with a lot going on in my heart and my mind the last couple of weeks.  This was weighing on me pretty heavily yesterday.  Thankfully, I think most of it was resolved last night.

7.  Although I felt super busy yesterday ( by evening, my feet hurt from being on them so much), I don't think I actually accomplished much.  :(  I washed the kids bedding, but that's all I crossed off my to-do list.  I'm hoping today is better.

8.  As I was heading to bed, I found out that a good friend of mine lost a coworker yesterday evening.  My heart breaks for the man's family, friends, and all of his coworkers.  Please keep all of them in your prayers.


I'm thankful, again, for my relationship with the Lord and for all He has done for me and in me.  Days like yesterday don't knock me down anymore.  Today, I woke up with joy and peace.  Maybe today will be like yesterday, or maybe it will be full of happy circumstances.  I don't know.  :)  But God has today in His hands, just as He had yesterday, and He walks with me through it.  The comfort and awesomeness of this continues to amaze me.

We serve an awesome God.

Lexi Katelyn

This little girl is full of sass and attitude.  :)

"Take the picture, MOM.  I have things do!"

Followed by, "The Look,' which only succeeds in getting mommy to laugh...

"Whatever, Mom."

:::sigh:::

It's starts too young...

 



Where I've been...

To those of you who say to me, "Liz...when are you going to blog again?  It's been awhile!!" I want you to know that I appreciate that.  It makes me feel good to know that this little hobby of mine is actually interesting to people.  :) 

It's been so hard to blog lately.  There is so much going on in my head.  I honestly have spent 28 years without knowing who I really am.  I wasted so much time trying to figure out what everyone else wanted, and then trying to mold myself into all of their ideas of "Liz."  It's such a release to be able to explore who GOD wants me to be and who I am in Him.  But at the same time, it's so scary and hard.  Nothing is certain anymore.  My mind is constantly running a mile a minute while I think over everything going on in my life and my heart and how it will affect everything else.  :)

I'm happy.  I am SO happy, and that is completely due to the grace and love of our Lord.  He has sustained me and helped me grow and loved me.  I'm His, and that is the best feeling in the world.  :)  My kids are developing such a strong faith too and it is so incredible to watch!!  They're little sponges and I want them to be surrounded by a love and knowledge of Him from the very beginning.  It's a huge part of why I feel the call to homeschool. 

I guess that's it for now.  There is so much on my heart and in my mind, but i will save it for later.  :)  If you read this, have an awesome day and God bless!!

Crazy things that make me happy. :)

I get excited when my kids eat healthy snacks or meals.  Really excited.  Like some women get when they purchase a new pair of shoes.  Add this to the list of things that makes me weird, I guess.

Just now, I pulled out baby red peppers with pine nut and roasted garlic hummus. 

My girls loved them!! 

Andrew's harder to convince, as he tends to take after his picky Papa and Uncle Greg.  It doesn't stop me from trying, though.  :)

My mom and i hit all of our favorite grocery/health food stores this past weekend.  It's become our Saturday routine on the weekends that Phil has the kids.  We try and make it to Eastern Market for eggs, veges, and anything that suits our fancy.  I like Trader Joe's for dairy, nitrate-free bacon, hot dogs, etc and lots of various grocery items.  Natural Food Patch in Ferndale is a must, because they have so much for so cheap.  I get my kombucha there, and I also like their selection of grains.  Their health and beauty section has many of my favorite natural picks, and the selection is the best I've found.  AND I save dollars per item compared to stores like Target.  Anything left on my list, mainly fresh chicken or beef, I get at Randazzo's.  I can't afford fully pastured & grassfed meat, but Randazzo's is the next best thing. 

THIS is what our fridge looks like when we're done.  Our fridge in the basement is half full, too.

We've got lots of eggs, fresh and hard-boiled, Trader Joe's whole-milk french vanilla yogurt (I've convinced my kids it tastes like ice cream), Trader Joe's kefir, lots of fresh vegetables and fruits. cheeses, sprouted-grain english muffins, and leftover chicken from stock I made on Monday.  I'm hoping chicken noodle soup for dinner will help my throat feel better.  I also bought a bag of shredded cabbage I'm planning to use for homemade cole slaw!!  Yummm...

Our pantry is pretty full, too.  Amidst my dad's foods and the various items that get lost in a pantry (my mom has a jar of marshmallow fluff that's been in there since I moved in a year and a half ago.  WHAT is she planning on using that for??)  we have brown rice, quinoa, various grains and beans, sauerkraut, and raw honey.  I love raw honey, so we have several large containers.  I'm trying to convince my dad to put a bee hive in the backyard this year so I can jar my own honey. I don't think he's convinced, yet...

My favorite finds this weekend were multi-colored popcorn and orange ("red") lentils.  :D  It's the little things in life that are the most exciting!!

I'm still addicted to International Delight coffee creamer.  I picked up a few large containers the other day.  I need to give this up, since the sippage of coffee is leading me to skip breakfast and lunch.  :-/  Not good at all, especially when you're in a contest with your mom and sis to lose 15 lbs!!! 

Today is milk pick-up in Royal Oak and a trip to No Pins Required in Ferndale for Rockin' Green laundry detergent.  I've been looking for a truly natural detergent that actually gets our clothes clean, and I found it!!  I originally purchased it for our cloth diapers, which is what it was designed for, but now I use it on everything (as the company suggests).  Since I started using it, I realized that clothes without fabric softener feel stiff because of detergent residue (yuck).  Rockin' Green rinses so clean that my clothes are super soft without the use of any softener or dryer sheet.  :D  Super exciting!!

A few random facts...

Have you ever thought to yourself, "Man...I wish people knew that about me??"

My mom jokes about her sense of humor sometimes.  "I don't think they get me yet," she says, laughing.  And the fun of it is that they probably don't get her and that makes the things she says even funnier.  :)

I feel like I'm on some weird quest to relearn who I am.  I thought i knew, but I spent 6 years finding my identity in being "Phil's wife" and that's obviously not who I am anymore.  Now I have to relearn,  and I'm actually enjoying finding out all the little things that make up "Liz" (although it's interesting to do it as a 28/29 year old mother of four). 

As I am learning, there are a few moments I've found myself thinking, "I wish people knew that about me!"  If they knew these things, it would save me the trouble of being misunderstood.  Like my mom, and her occasional jokes that some people don't get.  :) 

So because I have a horrid sore throat/earache and need some time away from anything productive, I'm compiling a list.  I am writing it while I enjoy a mug of coffee and some ibuprofen.  Hopefully when I'm done, I can get on with tackling my day.


My list:


1.  I'm very, VERY laid back.  My favorite phrase is, "Oh, it's really not a big deal!"  This affects our homeschooling, which apparently some people don't get.  I cannot start school at 8:00 am and plow through, uber-focused until 3:00.  I would go absolutely crazy.  Most days we start around 9:30 and work on a subject for an hour.  Then we eat something and start again.  Then we break for lunch.  We pick back up after lunch and finish up our work, taking a break for a snack somewhere in the middle.  Aimee usually picks the subject to work on, so it's in a different order almost every day.  This is why I created our sticker chart.  I need a list of tasks each day or I forget to stick with the well-rounded curriculum.  By Friday, we've hit all the subjects.  For an example of similar homeschooler, click here and read the third paragraph.  :)

2.  Apparently I give "dirty looks" completely without my knowledge.  I have NO IDEA how I do it, or why, and i hate that I do it without knowing because i have zero control over it.  So if you're reading this...mean thoughts are very rarely in my head and if you've been the recipient of a look that was taken in a negative way...I DIDN"T MEAN IT!! 

3.  I'm shy.  Very.  So I'm not ignoring you.  I just wonder if you saw me and if i should say hi at the risk of you not seeing me and me looking like a total idiot while you walk by and I say hi to apparently no one.  This happens quite often in the big corridor at church where the nursery and restrooms are located.  I'd avoid that space, but it kinda connects the two sides of the church.   ;-)

4.  I overthink everything.  And I mean everything.  I drive myself crazy.  And my sister crazy.  And Bethany.  Just ask them.  You could probably throw my mom in there, too, but she overthinks stuff, too, so we "get that' about each other and therefor talk it to death together.  :D  For an example, see #3 above.

5.  I am incredibly forgetful.  If I don't write it down, which many times I forget to do, I will most likely forget to call you.  Or bring something i was supposed to give to you.  Or anything that requires the use of my memory.  The only exception is prayer...I have learned that I need to pray immediately for someone I have said that I will pray for, or I may forget someone when I have focused prayer time.  So if I say, "I'm praying for you!" I am most likely doing it at that moment.  If it's continued prayer, the Lord brings you to mind throughout the day and I pray for you again.

That's it, I think.  My coffee is cold and I need to make lunch.  Phil came to take Aimee to the movies and stayed for an hour to visit.  But it kept me distracted while the ibuprofen took affect, and I came back and finished up my post.  Now on to what will hopefully be a very productive (I'll settle for semi-productive) day...

Thoughts on yesterday's post...

Thank you to everyone who showed me so much support yesterday.  I was really under attack yesterday morning and didn't realize the extent of it until several hours after writing my blog post.  In all honesty, I was under such a cloud of confusion and self-doubt that I wanted to cry.  Run to the doctor.  Give up the things that I was struggling with so much.  Something, anything, to clear up my mind and allow me to think clearly again.  I don't know that I was even capable of simple math at several points during the day.  I prayed, asking the Lord for strength.  And suddenly, as I was driving down Van Dyke, I had such a revelation!! 

Oh my gosh!!" I thought.  "It's Satan.  He is confusing me.  And shame on me for allowing him to have this power over me!!!"  TRUST ME when I tell you that in that instant my confusion and headache vanished.  It was gone.

This made me think of two very important bible verses...

James 4:7
"...Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."

Ephesians 6:12
"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

My self-doubt began when this influentual person suggested I put the kids back in public school.  I was angry at first, and worried they would make things difficult for me.  But then I thought about Aimee and Andrew's struggles, and the steps I mentioned yesterday to work through them.  I decided to form a "plan of action," so to speak, and be firm in my decision to homeschool, regardless of the discouragement I was receiving.  Yesterday morning, I sat down with Aimee's math books and started planning everything out.  That's when the confusion settled over my mind.  I could hardly think straight, which caused me to doubt my ability to make the right decision for her.  Should we go through 3rd grade math again?  Or just review?  If we step back, do I start at the beginning of the year?  Or somewhere in the middle?  Where, then, do I start?

Coupled with the negativity I was receiving, I seriously questioned homeschooling.  I was scared. 

"My kids deserve the best," I thought.  "How can I decide what is best when I'm so tired and unable to think??  Maybe this person is right...I can't do this!!"  I was ready to throw in the towel.

Now that I am aware of the devil's influence over my thinking yesterday, I am even more confident in my decision to homeschool my children.  I still don't think homeschooling is for everyone, but i firmly believe it is what's best for our family.  The Lord has supported me, by providing my favorite curriculum for free.  That was such a fleece for me.  And the fact that Satan was trying so hard to discourage me and leave me in self-doubt tells me I'm doing something he fears. 

Today was a MUCH better day.  I decided the best plan of action for Aimee is to give her each chapter test from the 3rd grade math book.  I review the material with her briefly (it has been a year) and then give her the test.  We will take one test per day.  When the tests start showing her weaknesses, we will begin at that chapter.  We will continue math throught the summer, which i had already decided to do, so she should catch back up in a year or two.  She will be even farther ahead of the game at that point, becuase she will have such a strong grasp on the material.

There is one thing  I want to clarify...I may have worded things in yesterday's post to suggest that i felt responsible for my children's struggles.  This is not the case.  I know that every child struggles at some point, with something.  And the beauty of homeschooling is that you can immediatly recognize where your child's struggles are and offer them the one-on-one help and extra time they need to grasp the new material or concept.  My struggle was that this person I mentioned noticed what they felt was a "lack of teaching" on my part, and without talking with me about it, firmly suggested I step down as the teacher.  The lack of conversation on the subject angered me the most, since they immediatly jumped to conclusions.  So at that point, with them already doubting my ability, I was anxious about stepping back a year, if Aimee needed.  This, as I said, would be throwing myself in the lion's den and receiving a great amount of critism and discouragement, at best.  My personality is that of a peacemaker...I hate conflict.  I was scared.

But today is a much better day.  I am confident in my abilities and the decisions I have made.  Homeschooling is a huge blessing in our lives and the right decision to make, as is taking Aimee a step backwards in math.  Andrew will benefit from daily, constant repetition of the letters and sounds, as have Amerie and Lexi already.  He just might take longer to read than some expect him to take.  And that is okay.  :)

Frustrations

I am growing so frustrated with myself!!  Our homeschooling journey has reached a few challenges, and sometimes I lack the personal confidence to know that I'm handling the problems appropriately.  I KNOW that I'm doing the right thing, but because I am the one making the decision and not asking someone else to make it for me, I question it.  This drives me nuts!!

Andrew is struggling with his letters and reading.  He remembers most of his letters (I think he trips up on G, T, I and D) and he can remember the sounds they make some days, but not necessarily every day.  Whether this is a learning weakness or lack of cooperation I have yet to decipher.  I was talking to his speech pathologist, who has mentioned a few times that phonics will probably need to be delayed with him because of his speech challenges.  She said that he's still struggling in speech with the same concepts he was struggling with last year, and phonics might frustrate him because even if he could remember the letter's sound, he can't necessarily say it correctly. So he chooses not to try, out of frustration with his speech delay.

Aimee is struggling in math, and has been for a while.  We are working on long division, with remainders.  She just can't seem to "get it."  Plus, she can't remember half of her times tables from last year.  So this week we put math on hold, in order to rememorize the multiplication facts.  I also borrowed 3rd grade math from the (wonderful!!) woman who loaned us our curriculum this year.  I have been looking it over like crazy, and there is so much that Aimee needs to work on.  She struggled in math a little last year, and since it appears that 4th grade math is mostly a repeat of 3rd grade, only more in-depth, she needs to go back and fully grasp 3rd grade concepts before she can successfully dive into 4th grade.

My struggle is two-fold.

1.)  I fully believe that taking phonics slow with Andrew is the best thing for him.  He will be 6 in May, so he's technically in kindergarten this year.  But had I enrolled my kids in public school back in August, I would have held him back and sent him to kindergarten next year.  I do think he would have done okay in kindergarten this year, but i think he would have done much better waiting a year.  And Aimee...she made the cut-off for school by 1 day.  She was ready for kindergarten when I sent her, even though she didn't turn 5 until late that Fall.  But looking back, I wish I would have had the patience and maturity to wait and send her when she was 5, going on 6.  Even though she was ready for kindergarten at the time, now that she's a 9 year old 4th grader, she's struggling a little bit more than I'm comfortable with.

Since we homeschool, I'm "keeping" Andrew in kindergarten and Aimee in 4th.  They have friends in these grades at church, and I don't see any reason to "move them back" when it doesn't affect anything.  I will instead be teaching them according to their skill levels and readiness for new concepts.  I think I will be doing lighter workloads in the summer without quitting for 2 1/2 months like a traditional school year does, so in the end they might end up ahead of the game, anyway.  But the little voice in my head, who doubts my ability to make grown-up decisions, is telling me that this is unconventional and "out of the box," so it's therefor a wrong decision.  But I know it's a good decision.  I'm praying this through.

2.)  There are certain influential people in mine and the kids lives who feel that homeschoolers should all be geniuses or at least smarter than their peers.  And since Andrew is struggling with phonics, I must not be a good teacher.  I really do think that this is the main reason i am anxious about my decision I stated above.  If I work with the kids at their own level, which may be below their grade level, I'm the first one to be blamed for their "failure or delay."  It's apparently my own failure as a teacher, and not that the kids have an area in school that they struggle with.  As a result, I have been encouraged to throw them back in public school (which i am 100% against).  So for me to then step out and make the decision to teach them at their own pace,which is unconventional, is like throwing myself into the lion's den and hoping I make it out okay.  Not only am I sticking with my decision to homeschool (which I firmly believe is under the Lord's approval), but I'm doing out of someone elses box.  I'm praying about this also.

In a sort-of related side note...these are the reasons I'm so bad about blogging every day ('cuz I know everyone is on pins and needles waiting for blog posts!!).  There is so much going on in my life each day, things like blogging, reading a book, or even making my bed just have to wait until I get a handle on the rest.

If you're still with me and reading this, thank you for being my friend!!!  Thank you for being supportive and understanding and wonderful and taking the time to read my little vent of frustration!!  I pray the Lord blesses each and every amazing person that He has blessed my life with.  :)  And if you remember my kids and I during your own prayer time, I would very much appreciate prayers on our behalf!!  Thank you in advance.  :)

What's been going on...

I think I can admit that my life overwhelms me.  A lot.  I feel guilty for admitting this, because I have a guilt complex, and I feel like it's just some flaw or weakness I must have that I feel overwhelmed.  But I do.  And I'm admitting it.

With that said, I LOVE my life.  The Lord has so richly blessed me and my children.  How could I not feel blessed?!  I have four absolutely beautiful and precious children.  They fill my life with so much joy, even when they're driving me crazy.  ;-)  I have the privelage of homeschooling them, so even though two of them are school-age, I still spend every day with them.  We're much closer because of it.  And I was the one who got to teach my son to read the word B-A-T yesterday.  :-D

I wish i had a camera to randomly record our days.  These kids are amazing.  Lexi is getting so big, and copying everything that Amerie does or says in her little baby voice.  Amerie is as loving as ever.  She's taken to petting my hair when I tuck her into bed and calling me her "little sleeping beauty."  :)  Andrew is in that phase where he's trying to "become a man," which means I no longer get a kiss or hug every time I ask.  He's "too big."  And Aimee is becoming such a little woman.  I love hearing her mediate when two of her siblings argue.  She sounds so big and mature.  She's figuring out who she is, too, and it's so incredible to watch.  She's definitely most comfortable when she's tomboy/punk rock chick.  She wants to dye her hair black with streaks of bright red.  NOT AT ALL what I would have expected from any of my kids...I'm as conservative as they come.  But I respect individuality.  :)  The hair will have to wait until she's older, though...

Garden season is starting up, too!  There may be snow on the ground, but my dad already has flats of seeds started and I've been brainstorming about container gardens in the backyard.  It's so EXCITING!!!  I'd like to can as much of my own veges in the Fall as possible.

And just this week, my older 3 started Choi Kwang Do.  Phil worked out a deal for the kids to go 3x's a week.  So far, they love it.  I'm a little concerned that 3x's a week is a bit much, so I'm keeping an ear open for signs of this. But Aimee is already focused on earning her first belt.  And my brother, who works for Tiger Claw martial arts equipment, is super excited that the kids are taking Choi Kwang Do and wearing Tiger Claw uniforms!! 

I'll end with a few of my new favorite pics.  My babies crack me up.  Not a day goes by that I don't thank the Lord for each of them.  They're mommy loves them so much!!

This girl is so goofy.  Making us laugh is a frequent goal for her.  She's definitely Wehrman to the core...


This next one is what happens when you tell Amerie to "smile."  I was laughing so hard...

I finally told her to "just look at me."  And I think she's beautiful.  :)  Even if she's "tough."

:-)

Random Pics

Amerie left this on my bed.  It's a Little People Noah's Ark and erasers the kids got in their Valentine Treat bags.  This is what my kids do...line stuff up and arrange it.  Why play with toys when you can organize them??

If you didn't see this one on facebook...she decided pajama pants weren't really her thing.  Aimee's toe socks are much more her style.  ;-)

This I found on my wall when I went to bed the other night.  Aimee is spending the week at Nana's.  She talked to me repeatedly about watering her plants, to the point that she got an, "Aimee...I've been raising four kids for awhile now.  You're all doing fine.  I can handle watering your plants."  I found this above my pillow that evening.  She also called today to make sure I got her note.  :)  As Grammy says, "Different personalities, Mama..."  

Amen.

And finally, as I was walking into the room to type out this blog post...

THIS is how my Bubba was watching TV.  Doesn't look very comfortable to me, but it was suiting him just fine!!

I love my kids!!

Happy Birthday to my Amerie Rose!

Miss Amerie turns four today.

 She's so beautiful and loving and BIG!!  I can't believe it's been four years since our little "whoops" was born.  :)

She loves to color, play dress up, and anything related to Tinkerbell and fairies.  She adores her older brother, but he's a stinker and is usually mean to her.  Even still, she'd give him the world.

I can't count the number of times Andrew wanted a toy, and Amerie freely gave it to him simply because she hates telling that boy "no."

Now that Lexi is getting older, I can see that the two of them are getting closer, too.

It's so cute to listen to their little conversations.  And as Amerie adores Andrew, Lexi adores her big sister. 

As for Aimee and the adoration of younger siblings...

She's 3 1/2 years older than Andrew, 5 years older than Amerie, and 7 years older than Alexis.  She's adored for her maturity (after all, in their eyes she's almost a grown-up!), but it's sometimes hard for them to play together.  So the adoration is a little different.

But back to Amerie...

I LOVE this picture of her.  It's so much who she is.  For those who know the Choleric, Sanguine, Melancholy, Phlegmatic personalities...Amerie is a Choleric Sanguine.  Or Sanguine Choleric.  I'm not sure yet. 

She says the craziest things (anyone see my facebook post about her eating a penny?  That she didn't even eat?).  I know that 9 nights out of 10, she'll end up in my bed by morning and wake me with hugs.  But not kisses.  For some reason, she hates kisses and only hands them out at her discretion.

I love her so much.  She has so much personality and sweetness, all wrapped in a beautiful little platinum blonde.  :) 



Happy Birthday, baby girl!!!

Sleeping Babies.

I love taking pictures of my kids when they're sleeping.  My mom has always said that kids "redeem themselves" during the angelicness of their slumber.  I agree.

I recently found some pics of my kids sleeping in one of my photo albums.  I decided to share them.  What kind of a mom would I be if I withheld all of their preciousness for myself??

Now excuse me while I go give them all kisses...

 

 

 

 

 

At the risk of a transparent heart...

I just had the hardest weekend that I have had in a long time.  I was an emotional wreck through most of it, even though I prayed my little heart out.  I can't imagine what people were thinking in church this morning.  In retrospect, I probably should have stayed home.

I apologize in advance for the lack of specific details, but I want to share my struggle and something that the Lord is teaching me.

I have been deeply hurt and betrayed recently by someone claiming to live for the Lord and His ways only.  This person professes a passion for Christ and holds themself above many other Christians for their "devotion and faith" in Him.

I can't help but wonder if that's true.  Are they more pleasing to Him and far above the rest of us?

This person betrayed me.  Hurt me deeply (and then blamed me for their actions).  Which not only hurts me more, but confuses me.  If they're following the Lord and believe to be acting only in ways that please Him, why was I betrayed?  And when I clung to Him and sought Him in my pain, what was He seeing?  I believe that I am pleasing to the Lord, but this person feels their heart serves the Lord better than others.  And that I am really the one at fault.  So what does He think when He looks down at us? 

Tonight, as I have many times, I prayed, "Lord...do I get your favor?  I was obedient.  My heart longs only for You.  YOU know that Lord, and it pleases me to know that You already know my faithfulness and devotion.  So because I was , can I be the one to get your favor?  Because it's not fair that they hurt me and are living happy and guilt-free, while I'm left here with my wound.  I was obedient, God.  This isn't fair.  Please don't give them Your favor over me.  I was the good one"

That's not how the prayer sounded in my head.  It was actually quite a confused prayer, because I didn't know how to pray what my heart was feeling.  And I didn't want a wrong attitude in my praying (sometimes that's HARD).  But I was terrified that this person would have His favor and a life of joy and happiness, while I would be given nothing.

It may sound strange.  Maybe this is something you've never struggled with.  But I have been.  It consumes me at times.  I've been so caught up in what's "fair" and "unfair," and how I've been hurt.  I didn't want Him to hand this person more blessings and joy than me, when I felt that I was unjustly wronged.

What He responded with, which is the point of my blog post, is this...

If your heart is obedient to Him, you will find His favor.

If you are disobedient, you will lose it.

Plain and simple.  He knows your heart.  He knows your motives, your thoughts, your feelings.  He knows these even better than you do.  If you're heart pleases Him, He wants to bless you and take care of you.  If your heart is selfish, you grieve Him.


So yes, I have His favor and He will bless me.  And this other person?  I don't have to worry about it anymore.  Because He sees their heart, and He is just and fair.  If they really are seeking Him and pleasing Him, they will be blessed and find His favor.  If they are living for self, they won't be.  It doesn't matter that they sinned against me, because I sin, too.  We all do. And it doesn't matter that they claim to have a heart that pleases Him more than others.  Because He sees the truth, and He will act accordingly.  I can let it go.

All I need to worry about is my own heart.  And He knows it's in love with Him.  :)

A little surprise...

So...I was climbing into bed last night, after a long day.  I was tired, and ready to settle into my soft, comfy bed.  I threw back my comforter and found THIS waiting for me...

Now, I know it's plastic.  My son earned it from his speech pathologist for being such a hard working student.  But in that split second after I threw back my covers, I almost woke the entire household with my screaming.

My son, a Wehrman to the core, would have laughed hysterically had he known he "got me."  Playing pranks on mom seems to be his pursuit in life lately.

I firmly believe there is a reason the Lord blessed me with 3 girls and only 1 boy.    :)

Rough Day

I've been having a tough couple of days.  I guess it's all part of the process.  I pray that the Lord will use this heartache for His glory, but gosh does it hurt to endure it.

Sometimes I wish I could go into detail on this blog.  I want to show what the Lord is doing within me, and every bit of good and glory that is coming through Him.  I posted several days ago that i am retreating within, and in many ways I am.  But I know that there are SO MANY who have gone through heartache (or are going through it now).  And I know it's nice to know you're not alone.

Partly, I'm struggling with what I want versus letting God have control over everything.  Maybe in the end, He'll bring me what I wanted after all.  But to completely release things that I want so much...it's so hard.  And to keep myself in a place where I release any part of me that wants to be angry or bitter or resentful...


It's sometimes an hourly struggle.

I prayed so much today.  I read the scriptures.  I tried not to snap at my children when I was in the midst of my pain.  I let them have a "snow day" and figured we'd catch up on the schoolwork later.  For the most part, I think they just thought mommy was "quiet" today.

I say all that to say...rough days are okay.  If I've learned anything so far, it's that every day is new.  Just because today was hard, does not mean that tomorrow will be.  I spent the first few minutes of my day having a heart to heart with Him.  Tomorrow I will do the same.  Today I struggled.  But He was there to see me through it.  Tomorrow I may wake up in "quiet peace" and spend the day thanking Him and praising Him for being faithful. 

We serve an awesome God.  I have said that so many times, but I believe it with every fiber of my being.  He is everything to me and I do not know how I could make it through my life without Him.  When I cry, He holds my tears.   When I wipe my tears away and say, "Okay, I'm ready again," He takes me by the hand and we keep walking.  And He's oh so patient in the meantime.

There's a song by Kari Jobe called "The More I Seek You."  Whenever I fall at His feet again (and I have many times), this song starts playing in my head.  The words could have been written by my own heart...

The more I seek you,
The more I find you
The more I find you, the more I love you

I wanna sit at your feet
Drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath, feel your heart beat
This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming

There's no better place to retreat to than at His feet.  And every time i find myself there, I fall more and more in love with Him.  And then everything in my life doesn't seem so big anymore, in the light of His glory.  I can endure it.  I can move past it.  I can rest in His peace and trust in His future.

My favorite scripture is Jeremiah 29:11-13:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope, and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

I'm trusting in His plans.  My plans may seem good, but His are for sure better.  And just because this moment is hard doesn't mean the rest of my life will be.  I am learning to be patient and wait on Him.  In the meantime, I am learning to let Him be everything to me.  :)

We serve an awesome God. 

Kari Jobe - The More I Seek You w/lyrics

In honor of the Love month...

There's a really popular book called The Five Love Languages that I highly recommend.  Apparently, each of us have different ways that we express and feel loved.  By learning the five different love languages, and pinpointing the ones that your loved ones need, you will be much more effective at expressing your love to your spouse, children, family, and friends.

The five languages are:

1.  Words of Affirmation ("I love you"  "You are wonderful"  "I am so proud of you")

2.  Acts of Service (the act of doing something for someone else, simply because you love them)

3.  Quality Time (spending "quality time" together, not just "time")

4.  Gifts (those that express this language put a lot of thought into a gift, and hold a lot of sentiment in gifts they receive)

5.  Physical Touch (hugs, a kiss, a back scratch, or hand-holding)

(These are described as best as I can.  For further understanding, I highly recommend the book!)

Naturally, we tend to express our love in the way that we speak it, but it may not be the way that someone else needs it.  For example, one of my love languages is "words of affirmation."  I tell my kids all day long how much I love them, how incredible I think they are, and how important they are to me.  Amerie, who also shares this love language, breaks out in a smile and smothers me in hugs and kisses whenever I tell her these things.  Andrew, on the other hand, is NOT "words of affirmation."  They tend to make him uncomfortable, and he rolls his eyes and won't look at me until I'm done, even though all I've said is, "I think you are incredible and I love you so much!!"  (sidenote...praying for my kids does not seem to fall under this category.  If I say, "Lord...I pray that Andrew knows how much mommy and daddy love Him, and how much You love him, and how special we think he is" he feels loved just like Amerie would).

I've been focusing on each of my kids lately and trying to pinpoint each of their love languages.  I want them to grow up feeling the love that I feel for them, even if I have to express it in ways that do not come naturally to me.  This has been a challenge at times, but very, very rewarding.  Seeing the different combinations is interesting, also.

Example...

My love languages are words of affirmation, physical touch, and gifts.  I love telling my children how important they are to me and how much i love them.  If I see a friend in an outfit that looks really nice on them, I will say so.  If someone has been working hard on something, I tell them "good job!"  These things come very natural to me.  And gifts...I LOVE picking out thoughtful gifts!!  I get a thrill out of it.  It doesn't have to be bought.  It's the feeling that person gets when they open it that I'm thinking of, regardless of what it is (I've been told this could fall under acts of service, too).  Consequently, thoughtful and meaningful gifts given to me mean a lot, too.  I also smother my babies in hugs and kisses all day.  I would shrivel up and disappear if I couldn't kiss and hug them a million times a day!!!

Aimee's love languages are "quality time" and "acts of service."  These two are so hard for me!!  I really have to put forth a conscious effort to show my love in a way she understands.  I've learned that spending a half hour with her after her siblings go down for the night goes a loooong way in making her feel loved!!  And the look on her face if I do something for her, like organize her room when she's at her dad's or help her with something when I'm in the middle of my own project, is a huge reward for me in return!!

Andrew's love languages are "physical touch" and a tiny bit "quality time."  Mostly the boy is just "physical touch."  He loves hugs.  He's my cuddlebug.  He's been known to tackle his baby sisters and not let them go.  If I walk by him and run my hand across his buzzed head of hair, it's much more effective than if I had just said, "I love you."  But, because of my language, I still say "I love you!!!"  :)

Amerie, like i mentioned earlier, is "words of affirmation."  She's also "physical touch" and "quality time."  I have lost count of the number of times she's come up to me, put her hands on the sides of my face, and told me i was, "wonderful," "beautiful," and that she's "so proud of me!"  :)  When she gets in "love mommy moods" she pets my hair and my arms and crawls in my lap, and then tells me how important I am to her.  Obviously, this girl melts my heart because we speak the same language!

Lexi...

Lexi I'm not quite sure about yet.  She's still so young.  I know she loves hugs when she's excited, but it's still too early to determine the love language she speaks best.  In the meantime, I'm giving her all five as best I can.

Which leads me to one last thought...

I was discussing these things with Bethany...

(who is gifts, by the way!!) and she said that because I make an effort to "speak love" to my kids in each of the five languages, they will be familiar with each one and therefor have an easier time expressing them as they grow older.  I thought this was really useful information that I would have never thought of!!

My next step is figuring out my parents

and my sister, Emma.

  I already know Bethany's, since her and i discuss the love languages (and personality types) quite often.  But i want the people in my life that matter so much to me to know how much i love them, even if it means expressing it in ways that don't come second-nature.

I highly recommend the book, and applying the knowledge to your kids, spouse, parents, etc.  I wish I had understood these things better when i was married.  Phil is "acts of service," which is my hardest one to relate to.  I could have done a much better job at showing him how loved he is.  Hopefully I will be able to teach my kids the five languages and help them avoid missed opportuntities in their future!!

Have a happy February!!