Wednesday, July 27, 2011

A "well-rested unrest"

I feel weird today.  Have you ever had days when you just felt weird?  I think most of it is boredom, but I'm not really sure.

The kids and I have been enjoying a lazy summer for the past couple of weeks.  I've become very protective of my "restful/productive" days (when the kids are with thier dad).  I get my cleaning and errands done and then I relax, without guilt.  My life has the potential to be very stresful and overwhelming.  I learned, the hard way, to not make it any more difficult than it's already going to be.

So...the past few nights I've had 10 hours of rest.  Granted, several hours each night were spent in prayer and thinking about my life, but I was still resting.  This morning, for the first time since I became a mother almost 10 years ago, I woke up feeling completely rested.  It was wonderful.  And the only thing on my agenda for today is to put away some laundry, possibly go to Target, and feed my family.

Not much to do. 

Which leaves me feeling weird.  And thoughtful.  Contemplative.  A little unsure.

Sometimes overthinking can be a bad thing.  :-/

My brain is one of those over-thinking, figure it all out types.  Everything has a box and I have to figure out which box things fit into so I can understand them.  But I can't figure out which box I fit into.

When I go to bed at night, I feel like a tired housewife.  But I'm not a wife.  So can I call myself a homemaker??  I'm home all day, taking care of children and caring for my home and family.  But "homemaker" and "single mom" don't really fit in the same category.  So what am I?  And then that leads me to my next overthought I want to get married again someday?  Or just raise my kiddos and call it a well-served life?  If I do want to eventually date and get remarried, what kind of guy would want a tired homemaker?? 

This all confuses me and even overwhelms me sometimes.  I love my life and I hate parts of it.  That's the truth.  And yes, when I'm honest with myself, I want to be married again someday, even if the idea of it all makes me uneasy.  I'm busy.  I have 4 kids, that I homeschool.  I'm tired and I don't exactly get out much.  And I don't want to.  I like being home with my babies.  They're such a joy to me.

These are personal thoughts I have, that I'm choosing to share.  Because most days, when I think about my life, I feel a weird mix of peace and sadness.  I love my life, and I feel joy every night that I climb into bed, even through my exhaustion.   But sometimes I feel sadness, because my day-to-day is not what I want forever.  I feel like pieces are missing, even if I couldn't tell you what they are.  And I feel sad over it.  Unrest.  And every day, my unrest grows just a little bit more.

Today, in my rested, contemplative mood, I thought and prayed over all of these things.  I have read more of my bible this week, seeking the Lord and His voice, than I have in the last 6 months.  And what I feel Him whispering to me, through my unrest and frustration and stress and joy and peace, is this,

"This too shall pass."

Life is full of stages.  Even if we're not ready, we're constantly entering new ones.  This is only a stage.  It doesn't mean that the rest of my life will be exactly as today.  Or tomorrow.  But right now, this is my life.  And I need to feel joy and peace and completeness in it.  There are parts of it that I wish I could change, but for now, it is what it is.  If I spend this stage constantly longing for more/different, I will never feel satisfied with the next stage.  Or the one after that.  I'm learning contentment in all circumstances.  Even in stages that leave me feeling bored and ready for change.

But you know what?  "Boredom" is so much better than some other stages I've lived through.  And I really am very, very happy each and every day.  I can't count the number of times I whisper "thank you," because of the blessings in my life.  I have amazing, beautiful kids (4 of them!!!), a wonderful family and just as wonderful friends.  I love my church.  I love homeschooling.  I love babysitting.  I love my home and taking care of it.  I'm happy.

I have a feeling that my "unrest" is because I'm about to, and ready to, enter a new stage.  This is, after all, my "buffer year."  Which means that just around the corner, everything will be shaken up a little bit.  I have no idea what the changes will be, but I have complete confidence that the Lord is curently preparing it all.   It's in His hands.  And I love that I don't have to worry about it.  I just have to take one day at a time, living in obedience, and I'll end up where He wants me to go.  :)

God is so very, very good.  No matter what happens in life, He'll lead you through it. 

A year ago, two years ago, I never would have believed that right now I could be feeling so much peace and contentment, that at times I feel a little bored.  :)  I thought my life was forever going to be hard and scary.  But I threw my hands in the air and let Him have complete control, and  I am so grateful I did.  I would probably be forever stuck in "hard and scary" if I hadn't. 

Instead, I'm surrounded by His Spirit, which contnually giudes me and comforts me.  And right now, He is giving me quietness and rest. 

I'm going to embrace it and be grateful.  And be ready for the next step, whatever and whenever it may be.  :) 

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