Sunday, February 6, 2011

At the risk of a transparent heart...

I just had the hardest weekend that I have had in a long time.  I was an emotional wreck through most of it, even though I prayed my little heart out.  I can't imagine what people were thinking in church this morning.  In retrospect, I probably should have stayed home.

I apologize in advance for the lack of specific details, but I want to share my struggle and something that the Lord is teaching me.

I have been deeply hurt and betrayed recently by someone claiming to live for the Lord and His ways only.  This person professes a passion for Christ and holds themself above many other Christians for their "devotion and faith" in Him.

I can't help but wonder if that's true.  Are they more pleasing to Him and far above the rest of us?

This person betrayed me.  Hurt me deeply (and then blamed me for their actions).  Which not only hurts me more, but confuses me.  If they're following the Lord and believe to be acting only in ways that please Him, why was I betrayed?  And when I clung to Him and sought Him in my pain, what was He seeing?  I believe that I am pleasing to the Lord, but this person feels their heart serves the Lord better than others.  And that I am really the one at fault.  So what does He think when He looks down at us? 

Tonight, as I have many times, I prayed, " I get your favor?  I was obedient.  My heart longs only for You.  YOU know that Lord, and it pleases me to know that You already know my faithfulness and devotion.  So because I was , can I be the one to get your favor?  Because it's not fair that they hurt me and are living happy and guilt-free, while I'm left here with my wound.  I was obedient, God.  This isn't fair.  Please don't give them Your favor over me.  I was the good one"

That's not how the prayer sounded in my head.  It was actually quite a confused prayer, because I didn't know how to pray what my heart was feeling.  And I didn't want a wrong attitude in my praying (sometimes that's HARD).  But I was terrified that this person would have His favor and a life of joy and happiness, while I would be given nothing.

It may sound strange.  Maybe this is something you've never struggled with.  But I have been.  It consumes me at times.  I've been so caught up in what's "fair" and "unfair," and how I've been hurt.  I didn't want Him to hand this person more blessings and joy than me, when I felt that I was unjustly wronged.

What He responded with, which is the point of my blog post, is this...

If your heart is obedient to Him, you will find His favor.

If you are disobedient, you will lose it.

Plain and simple.  He knows your heart.  He knows your motives, your thoughts, your feelings.  He knows these even better than you do.  If you're heart pleases Him, He wants to bless you and take care of you.  If your heart is selfish, you grieve Him.

So yes, I have His favor and He will bless me.  And this other person?  I don't have to worry about it anymore.  Because He sees their heart, and He is just and fair.  If they really are seeking Him and pleasing Him, they will be blessed and find His favor.  If they are living for self, they won't be.  It doesn't matter that they sinned against me, because I sin, too.  We all do. And it doesn't matter that they claim to have a heart that pleases Him more than others.  Because He sees the truth, and He will act accordingly.  I can let it go.

All I need to worry about is my own heart.  And He knows it's in love with Him.  :)

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