Wednesday, May 12, 2010

"My Grace is Sufficient"

I had a talk with a friend the other day (actually, it was the same friend and the same conversation about my interest in blogging).  I asked him his feelings and convictions about vaccinating his two little girls.  His answer was that he also sought the Lord about it, and the Lord kept coming back with "My grace is sufficient."  That really stuck with me.  If we lay our lives at His feet, He is going to take care of us.  If we seek Him in everything, He will guide us.  If vaccinating our children will be harmful to them, He will tell us.  If He doesn't, we need to trust in His perfect plan.  He sees the whole picture, and if we are in submission to His will, we don't need to stress over every little decision.  If we earnestly seek Him everyday, He will guide our every step.

I have been in a cloud of stress and anxiety lately.  Part of it is due to the fact that i have been staying up late, and i am very aware of the fact that I have a much harder time fighting Satan off when I am tired than when I am fully rested.  I am aware of God's promises, biblical and personal.  And yet i am stressing over the details of our lives.

I sought the Lord over tuition and enrolling my children at our Christian school.  I feel very strongly that they belong there (for personal reasons.  I am not saying that other educational options are wrong; they feel wrong for my children at this time).  But I have a very (very) small budget.  I sat down about a month ago and figured out my (potential) income vs. my expenses.  I have zero room for flexibility.  A short check, a sick day at my part-time job, or an emergency will throw off all my bills and obligations for the month.  Plus, paying tuition for two children means no fun money.  At all.  Add to that the fact that I have quite a bit of overdue tuition, since I waited many months for child support and couldn't make my payments.  I don't see any way to pay off this past year before the new one begins.

I'm also stressing about my future.  As I have said before, I am a planner.  I HAVE to have a plan!!  And I am at such a weird place in my life right now.  I am entirely in submission to the Lord and the work He wants to do in my life. I also know that His plan is FAR greater than anything i could ever come up with on my own.  But I get so much anxiety about the unknown.

Fortunately, I have learned that days like today are usually because I am tired and/or I am under attack.  So this afternoon, when my children were napping, I slipped away to my room and had a heart to heart with God.  I asked His forgiveness for my lack of trust, and also for His understanding.  He knows my heart, and that I really do want to trust in His plans.  I just get scared sometimes (and for the record, it's REALLY scary transitioning from a simple housewife/stay-at-home mom, who's husband took care of everything, to a single mother of four with no money and no idea what the future holds or how I'm going to do it all by myself).  I am also afraid that He might give me an instruction and I will be too busy to notice.  He has shown me His plans and has laid certain things on my heart.  I feel that my longing for more children and my own farm are from Him.  I feel that my new convictions are a result of seeking His Spirit.  And I am resting in His promises.

My big concerns today were tuition and the direction of my future.  During my prayer time, I sought the scriptures and several were laid before me.  I'll share a couple of them...

Zechariah 4:6
"So he said to me, 'This is the word of the Lord to Zarabbabel: Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,' says the Lord Almighty."
(Twice this week I was given this verse, and had never even heard it before!)

Jeremiah 29:11-13
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
(Sidenote...I love, love, LOVE that our God knows our hearts before we even come to Him.  We can't hide anything from Him, and we don't have to prove ourselves to Him.  He already KNOWS.  I feel such peace knowing that He knows that I am honestly seeking Him and I don't have to convince Him it's genuine.)

When my prayer time was over (and my kids were awake), the line that kept ringing through my head was, "My grace is sufficient."  He knows I'm trying to trust Him, even if I struggle.  He knows that tuition has to come from Him.  He knows I am trusting in Him for the future, and that I am willing to do whatever He asks of me.  And He will bless me because of my faithfulness.  I don't think that He is angry or dissapointed in me on days when i struggle, either, because I am earnestly seeking Him with my whole heart. Life is really, really hard right now, and He knows that.  But He loves me and sees my commitment to Him, and I'm sure he finds joy in it.  And He knows what needs to be done in my life.
His grace is sufficient.

1 comment:

  1. This is the scripture that came to my mind when I read your post: (love your blog, by the way!)

    Psalm 91

    1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. [a]

    2 I will say [b] of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust."

    3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
    and from the deadly pestilence.

    4 He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

    5 You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,

    6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
    nor the plague that destroys at midday.

    7 A thousand may fall at your side,
    ten thousand at your right hand,
    but it will not come near you.

    8 You will only observe with your eyes
    and see the punishment of the wicked.

    9 If you make the Most High your dwelling—
    even the LORD, who is my refuge-

    10 then no harm will befall you,
    no disaster will come near your tent.

    11 For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways;

    12 they will lift you up in their hands,
    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

    13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
    you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

    14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

    15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble,
    I will deliver him and honor him.

    16 With long life will I satisfy him
    and show him my salvation."