Sunday, May 9, 2010

Random thoughts at 11:00 pm

I cannot begin to number the amount of times I've wondered what my life will look like 20 years from now, when i can look back on it in perspective.  Will I feel I made wise choices?  Did I do the right things for my kids?  Big things AND all the little things?  Was I terribly stressed out, but way too busy to notice?  Will I still feel sad?

Saturday, Phil and I walked through his house (which used to be ours) and split our stuff.  I think it was one of the most emotional things I've ever done.  It was horrible.  I didn't know whether to feel sad, angry, or both.  I didn't know if i should stand strong and hold my head high, or beg him to agree to try again.  Even typing this now is bringing all the emotions back to the surface.

I feel so confused.  I said i had peace over it, and I did.  But i feel so sad at the same time.  And i keep thinking that if I pray hard enough, or long enough, maybe I can save my marriage.  But at the same time, I wonder if i should.  Or if I even want to.  I don't know.

I have always obsessed over decisions.  And usually, as soon as i make up my mind, i start to doubt myself and I have to start all over again.  But lately, I'm thinking that i need to stop trying to make all the decisions.  I feel like the Lord wants me to let it all go (big and little things) and trust in Him.  It doesn't matter how school tuition gets paid, He said He'd cover it.  It doesn't matter right now how I get my farm, or how big it will be, or how i can use it for His purposes.  He's got it in His hands.  Right now, I need to concentrate on each day as it comes.  And when the day is over, I need to go to bed, knowing that tomorrow is in His hands, too, and that He will guide each step.  It's not neccessary that I see every step of the way, just the step that i'm on.  :)

It's really hard for me to give up my worry.  I am a planner, a dreamer.  I like to figure it all out, and have a plan for every possible scenario.  But I can't do that right now.  My life has gone in a direction that I never thought it would, and i don't know what the future holds.  It's really scary for me.  But I know that my God is a big, big God.  And that He's done some pretty incredible stuff.  I think He can take care of the lives of a single mom and her four precious babies.  And that His plan is far better than anything i could ever dream up myself.  So as hard as it is for me, I'm going to trust in Him.  I'm going to surrender each day as it comes, and when i look back 20 years from now, I will see His hand in my life and the direction that He took me.  And I will be very blessed.

1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry that all of this is happening. I'm so sorry that things are going in this direction. I wish I could offer more than my words. I know I say it alot, but I mean it, so just know that I am here if you need anything. I love you. You are a strong woman and an even stronger mother. I know everything will be okay in God's time, and He will bring you through this.