Saturday, May 22, 2010

Where I am at this point in time. :)

I just had the craziest week in my life (maybe not, but it really did feel like it).  This was the first week that I worked two different jobs, plus my kids have had several end-of-the-year field trips that I've participated in.  To top it off, this was also the week that my husband filed for divorce and insisted on clearing his house of every item that is or was mine/ours.  PLUS, tomorrow is my son's 5th birthday party.  So I ran around like crazy all week, and have to get my house in order in one day.  And what am I doing?  Blogging.  :-/

If you've read my previous posts, you've heard me say that I am at peace with my divorce.  I don't understand some of the things i've received from the Lord, but I know His voice and that i need to trust and follow even when i don't understand.

One thing i really struggled with the last 6 months was the peace I am feeling.  I fought it.  I know that sounds crazy, but I did.  I love my husband very, very deeply.  I knew it was time to leave when i did, and I left with the intention to pursue a divorce.  But as time went by, I became less angry and more willing to forgive.  I've also been sensitive to the fact that I made the commitment to my marriage not only for my husband, but also for the Lord's sake.  And for that, I have always been willing to give it everything I had.

I prayed for months on behalf of my marriage.  I begged God, I pleaded.  I cried out to Him, and asked Him to help me understand.  Why did i feel such unrest when I pursued my husband?  Why did i feel such a peace when I let it go?  It didn't make sense to me.  Shouldn't God want to save every marriage?  He definitely has the power.  Why didn't He swoop in and save mine?  I thought he hated divorce??  These things ran through my mind all the time.

God definitely hates divorce, and according to Jesus, in Matthew 19, divorce is only "permissable" at times.  But not required.  And my heart was ready for whatever fight I needed to face. 

I don't understand why He told me to let it go.  I have my theories, but they're just that...theories.  I know that I was willing to do what it took to save my marriage, but God told me to be at peace with what was to come (and for the record, I never felt that I should file for a divorce myself).  On Tuesday, my husband texted me that he had finally filed for a divorce.

I have remained in prayer over the last few months, and have sought His will and desires in everything.  There are desires in my heart that I know are from Him, and when the time is right, He will bring them to pass.  I don't neccesarily understand all of it, but I have complete faith that He loves me and wants the best for me.  Today, I felt Him tell me to remove my wedding ring.  I said, "really Lord?  But I'm not divorced yet."  He told me again, "it's time."  I said, "But what will people think?  I'm still married!!"  But again, He gently said, "put it away."  So I did, even though I questioned it. 

I don't think divorce is the answer for every suffering marriage.  And I don't think removing your wedding ring before the divorce is final is the right answer for everyone.  These are things that were particular to my own personal circumstances, and even I don't understand them (have I said that enough?)  I have kept many details of my marriage and seperation/divorce private, so it's hard to share all my thoughts about it without betraying that privacy.  But the Lord hears my prayers and I seek Him daily.  I know that He has revealed to me remarriage and more children in the future, which I strongly desire.  And He has helped me get through these months full of strength and peace, when my humaness wanted to linger in depression and despair.

I put a lot of private thoughts in this post, but maybe they needed to be shared.  This is my journey, after all, and I'm completely led by Him.  These are the latest steps on that journey.  I also want to add, before I go, that because I have kept so many details private, it may be easy to misinterpret things that I do or have received through prayer.  The Lord knows my heart, and my husband's.  He knows the marriage and circumstances that I left under last August.  And because of those private details, I am where I am and the Lord has spoken what He has.  So I'm resting in the fact that anyone reading this can see my heart enough to know that I am only following Him, not myself.  :)  And that what He has revealed to me is not what He would reveal to everyone.  But He will reveal what's right for you if you seek Him.  :)

Have a blessed day.

1 comment:

  1. I love you. And am always here for you. I know this is hard and will probably get harder, but you are strong, awesome woman, and a great Mommy!