Alexis Katelyn

This little girl...

has stolen my heart.

She's my baby.  Number 4.

 

The one who screamed her head off in the delivery room for over an hour.  :)

Sometimes, she still screams.

And cries.

And throws tantrums.  It's how she voices her opinion, apparently.  She IS number 4.  You can't survive being number 4 without some spunk.

She's also goofy.  Like when she insists on wearing her winter hat during church.  (This is her with my best friend Bethany's daughter, Kennady.)

Right now, it seems like everyone is pregnant.

Like my sister Emma, the aforementioned Bethany, and every other married woman my age.  Or so it seems.  Me?  I'm adjusting to life without an infant!!  ;-)

I look at my baby girl quite often and pray, "Lord...thank you.  THANK YOU.  You knew how much i would need her."  She has been a balm during so much hurt.  My sweet little girl.  My number 4.  My "baby" while I rejoice in everyone else having their babies.

And don't get me wrong...I love all my babies.

Every single one of them.

They are such a joy in my life.

But today, I've just happened to be thinking about this one...

And thanking the Lord for blessing me with her life.  As I type this, she's laying her head on my arm and singing along to Carrie Underwood.  I could kiss her face all day.  Sometimes, it seems like I do.  And she lets me.  :)  If I'm really lucky, she kisses me back.

I love her.

I can't help it.

She's my baby.  :)

Why I use cloth diapers.

I have been blessed with four beautiful babies. 

Those babies, precious and cute as they are, came with four little butts.  And a LOT of diaper changes.  Not including the 2-3 church services per week that I'm on diaper duty in the nursery, or the 5 years I was a nanny, I would say that I have changed at least 14,000 diapers (that's 365 days X 2 years X 4 kids X an average of 5 diapers per day).  So when you factor in the nanny + nursery duty, the estimate is pretty low.

That's a LOT of diapers!!!  I wish I could tell you that I have used cloth from the beginning, or that I'm an avid environmentalist trying to reduce my carbon footprint.  I'm not.  I tried cloth diapers when my third was born.  It was pitiful.  I bought Gerber diapers with the cheap Gerber plastic covers.  And pins. 

:::shudder::: 

I gave up about a month in, much to the dismay of my husband, who had reluctantly handed over the $100 we didn't have so I could purchase everything.

When my fourth child came along, I had been desperately trying to potty train my 3 year old son.  There was no way I was having 3 kids in diapers.  But he just wasn't ready.  Which meant that I had 2 girls in diapers, and a son in pull-ups.  Money was tight.  So I put my girls back in cloth, pins, and the loud, plastic covers.

At the time, I knew NO ONE who used cloth.  Anyone who found out I made the switch thought I was a complete nut.  I am.  But not just because of cloth diapers. 

Thankfully, I met my friend Ellisa, who came to my rescue a few months into the journey.  She introduced me first to Snappi's.

  No longer did I risk poking my girls in the hip, and my husband was a little more willing to change diapers.  A little while later, she went back to work, put her son in disposables, and sold me her Fuzzibunz and Knickernappies pocket diapers.

I was in LOVE!!!  They were as easy to change as a disposable!!  And they were so CUTE, even if I had purchased mostly boy colors.

I was content with my new purchase.  I loved cloth diapering, loved saving money, and would talk to anyone who was interested about cloth diapers.  I even convinced some friends to try it for their own children.  Those friends are still using cloth, so it's not just my wonderful powers of persuasion! 

A year later, after potty training Amerie and wishing I had some girly dipes, I bought some covers and switched back to my Gerber diapers with Snappi's, only now I had velcro covers (they make diapers changes SO much easier!!) in some pretty fun colors. 

Honestly, I love cloth diapers.  I think they make something mundane but neccessary a little bit more interesting.  We even have a local cloth diaper store, No Pins Required.  It's so much fun to look at all of the diapers, covers, and accessories!  Who knew diapering could be so much FUN?!?

I will admit that cloth diapering is not for everyone.  It adds a load or two to your weekly laundry.  You have to change diapers more frequently, becuase they're not ultra-absorbant like diposables.  And the start-up cost is much more than a pack or two of diapers and wipes (but overall, it ends up a fraction of the cost you would incur with disposables).  And sometimes, it's a little gross. 

But you get over it.  Just like you get over everything gross that comes with being a mom. 

'Cuz they're worth it.  :)

Immanuel...God With Us

I was listening to the radio yesterday.  Listening to K*Love, to be exact.  And a song came on that I have heard many times.  I've probably even sang along with the lyrics (I tend to sing to the radio a lot.  My mom once saw me stopped at a red light, singing my heart out to the radio.  She found it quite funny.  Thanks mom.)  But somehow, the lyrics caught my attention in a new way.  I couldn't get them out of my head the rest of the day.

"Such a tiny offering,
Compared to Calvery
Nevertheless, we lay it at your feet"

I feel that way so many times!!  My heart feels like it will burst with love and devotion for our Lord, and yet I wish I could give Him so much more.  All I have is my very life, my future, and my children, and I have completely laid those at His feet.  It seems so small, and yet He takes it with Joy, knowing that although our gifts can never compare to the gift He so freely gave us, we give Him all we have.  He doesn't ask for any more.  I am so amazed at the God we serve. 

I ended up purchasing the song from Itunes, and listening to the entire thing.  I could swear that the songwriter looked deep into my heart when they wrote the lyrics!  I'll share them here...

God With Us – Mercy Me

Who are we, that You would be mindful of us?
What do You see, that's worth looking our way?
We are free, in ways that we never should be.
Sweet release, from the grip of these chains.
Like hinges straining from the weight, my heart no longer can keep from singing!!

[chorus]
All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified!
 Emmanuel, God with us!
My heart sings a brand new song.
The debt is paid these chains are gone.
Emmanuel, God with us.

Lord You know, our hearts don't deserve Your glory.
Still You show, a love we cannot afford.
Like hinges straining from the weight, my heart no longer can keep from singing.

[chorus]
All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified!
Emmanuel, God with us!
My heart sings a brand new song.
The debt is paid, these chains are gone.
Emmanuel, God with us!

Such a tiny offering, compared to Calvary,
Nevertheless, we lay it at your feet.
Such a tiny offering, compared to Calvary,
Nevertheless, we lay this at your feet.

[chorus]
All that is within me cries.
For You alone be glorified
Emmanuel, God with us.
My heart sings a brand new song.
My debt is paid, these chains are gone.
Emmanuel, God with us.


Good song!!!  :)

Some things I've learned...

1.  Blogging is fun, hard if you're busy.  I give the Pioneer Woman a big thumbs up.

2.  Dr. Bronner's  soaps are amazing.  I'm particularly fond of the lavender scent.  Just don't use them as shampoo.  Although my hair smelled wonderful, it felt like straw and left a funky residue, despite rinsing really well.

3.  If you purchase eggs from a local farmer, be prepared to be surprised.

4.  Soaking grains before cooking is just not for me.  This disappoints me, but I'm getting over it.  I believe the theory behind the benefits, but I haven't gotten a single recipe to work.  And baking is something I am good at and really enjoy.  I'm taking that hobby back, for myself and my kids (who love my cooking).

5.  Healthy eating is important, but it's way too easy to go overboard.  Life is about serving Jesus and loving people.  Not about food obsessions.  This is hard for me to admit.  But I love food, and I love cooking.  Trying to stick to the "rules" of a certain diet has stripped all the joy and relaxation out of something I love.  I have decided that taking it down a notch is still much better than typical American fare.

6.  Children are one of God's greatest blessings and joys.  I cannot imagine my life without my 4 babies.  Sometimes they drive me CRAZY, but when I wake up in the morning with two little hands on my cheeks, and a whispered, "I wus you, mommy," I couldn't ask for anything better.

7.  Sometimes, life is just plain HARD.  But the Lord is always faithful and He will provide strength, comfort, peace, and provision in the moments you need it.  We serve an awesome God.

8.  We serve an awesome God!!

9.  Having a heart to heart with one of your pastors every once in awhile is highly recommended.  It keeps you focused, keeps you in line.  You may not always like what they say, but if you pray about it, God usually shows you that they were right.  ;)

10.  Life is stressful...don't make it more stressful than it needs to be.  I'm a phlegmatic, which means I need downtime and little stress.  My life is h.a.r.d. right now, and I have been trying to be supermom and wonder woman during a time when I have every right to take it kinda easy.  My divorce is final on November 16.  Although I have peace over the whole affair (I laid it at the Lord's feet and I have complete faith it's in His care), I am stressed.  And sad.  And emotional. And at times, I have no brain because of everything I'm dealing with.  It's not the time to volunteer for 50 different activities and make a bunch of promises.  Unfortunately, I had to figure this out through trial.  And error.  :::sigh:::

11.  God is GOOD.  I cannot say it enough.

12.  Read your bible.  Your B.I.B.L.E.  Don't become distracted by Christian books, which are fine in and of themselves.  But there is no replacement for your bible.  And no companion as important.

13.  There is a lot to be said for routines and self-discipline.  I just have to figure out how to factor exhaustion into it.

14.  I am exhausted. 

15.  Never forget that life has "seasons," just like the weather.  This too shall pass. 

I'm so excited!!!

I received a call tonight from my favorite Eastern Market vendor.  My name finally made it to the top of the list for a cow share!!!!  I will be heading to the market in the morning to discuss leasing details and monthly payments.  I have to admit, now that it's in my grasp I am a little nervous.  I believe in the benefits of raw milk whole heartedly, but the price is so much when I have so little.  I have recently started baby-sitting regularly for a friend, but i'm so far behind on so many bills...

BUT...I figured out a budget the other day, which allows for tithing, debts and bills, savings, and spending.  I underestimated my monthly budget, so I should be able to squeeze the money out somewhere.  I've just become so comfortable with being cheap!!  I break out in cold sweats when I spend money.  :-P 

The lease I am getting into is $75 per year (to "lease" the cow) and then I am paying "boarding fees" of $75 per month, which will allow me to get 2 1/2 gallons of milk per week.  Sounds pricey, huh?  But I have learned to give up so many "things," like new clothes, nights out, "fun money."  Now that I have a little bit of income, I should be able to budget $75 per month, if i am careful.  And like i said before, I feel that raw milk is an important part of a growing child's diet.  We've already given up regular sweets and processed foods, and switched to fruits and veges, whole dairy, and soaked grains (although I would like to add more soaked grains to our diet...).  My kids love to drink tea, water, and milk.  Raw dairy is our last step...

The woman I spoke with about the cow lease said that raw milk will take some getting used to, and to take it slow at first.  We shall see how it goes.  And of course, I'll be blogging about it.  :)

Homeschooling and food. :)

Aimee still gives me a hard time when it comes to sitting down and doing schoolwork (if you know Aimee, you know that she loves to give me a hard time about everything, not just school!), but every morning i can't wait to get started!!  Sonlight is literature and history based, and I LOVE to read and I have considered a degree in history many times.  It's perfect!  My kids may never love reading or history like I do, but if I'm passionate about what we're learning, it will make learning seem more exciting.  That's my hope, anyway.  :)

As for the zucchini bread I made, it flopped.  It was wet on the inside and burning on the outside.  I looked up the success of the recipe with other foodies, and they have had the same results.  I was really bummed. :(  I have had much success with these biscuits, though.  My kids loved them and have been asking for more.  I have about 7 pie pumkins sitting on my counter top to try my hand at my own pumkin puree.  I love making pumpkin muffins and pumpkin pancakes.  Here is a link for pumpkin muffins I will be trying soon.

I also have a friend who's mom has her own bees and spins her own honey.  I have been incredibly fortunate to receive some of the leftover comb, and this time I even got a jar of the honey!!

It was full of all the "good stuff" floating around!!  (Read about the benefits of raw honey here.)  The comb I packed into a quart size mason jar for when my sweet tooth needs to be indulged.  :) 

Lexi absolutely loves the stuff, so much that I have to hide it from her sight.  My older kids have been "spoiled" as far as junk food goes, but she's not even two yet.  She doesn't know about ice cream, fruit snacks, or candy.  I'm hoping that I can retrain the older kids, and I know she'll never remember a time that mom gave them the processed junk.  Things like raw honey comb, or fresh berries with raw (homemade) whipped cream will be sweets of choice.  :)  Someday, I hope to own an ice cream maker...

Tomorrow is the Farmer's Market again.  I cannot express how much I love going to Detroit's Eastern Market.  I ran out to our local fruit and vege market yesterday, and left with only a bag of apples and a couple more pumpkins.  All I could think, as I walked around, is, "I can get that at Market.  That, too.  Oh, they'll probably have that, also."  And I can almost always get my produce, eggs, grains, etc. from the farmer himself.  There's nothing better! 

I also picked a few things from our community garden (the Hope Garden.  Read more about it in this post).

 I filled a gallon sized bag with green beans, another with kale, and picked a few eggplants.  I'm going to hunt down a recipe for eggplant lasagna for tonight.  Mmmm...

That's a little bit of our life right now.  Before I go, I'll leave you with one last pic.  As I was trying to take a picture of the Hope Garden veges, my girls were stealing green beans to munch on.  I may not cook them at all, and just leave them as snack foods!!

Have an awesome day!  :)

Monday morning...

It's Monday.  I stayed up way too late going over lesson plans for the week, plus I'm still feeling sick.  :-P  Half my kids are still in their jammies, and we're a couple hours later on school work than I had meant for today.

Those are my confessions.

I have been slightly productive, though.  I pulled out the zucchini I bought last week, made sure it was still good (I have a bad habit of letting food go bad.  I am working on this), and soaked some flour to make homemade zucchini bread tomorrow.  Today, I will be making the Better Homes and Gardens Cookbook recipe for regular zucchini bread, and tomorrow I will make the recipe for Nourishing Traditions soaked grain zucchini bread.  I have to compare them, because I am a little afraid that the soaked version will be...well, a little weird.  We shall see.  I agree with the science behind soaking grains.  The forethought and waiting are something that I need to get used to.  Friday night, I mixed flour and yogurt to soak, covered them with a plastic plate, and left it in the oven for the next day.  I then spent Saturday running around metro Detroit, and came home exhausted and not feeling much like baking.  But I forgot to take the bowl out of the oven.  Sunday evening, my mom lit the oven for pizza.  Needless to say, she was not happy and we are down one Sesame Street plate.  :-/

This time will be different.  And I will blog the results, along with mine and my family's opinions about the two different baked goods.  I'm crossing my fingers for the soaked version.

While we're all on pins and needles waiting, I thought I would share with you links to two of my favorite food blogs.  Most recipes that involve baking include directions for soaking or unsoaking, depending on your preference.  Hope you enjoy them as much as I do!!

Passionate Homemaking's Recipe Index   This is a good blog.  Period.  Natural, Christian, Nourishing.

The Nourishing Gourmet

I also wanted to add, before I go, that I may have a cow lease soon!!  We shall see.  The vendor at the farmers market who provides me with my (very freshly ground and organic) grains and pastured eggs is opening up some cow leases soon.  I am #4 on a list of about 25, but when I asked (again) about the progress of the new leases, this time with my four children standing around me, the owner's heart clearly flip flopped and said, "For them?  Wow...we need to get you a lease very soon!"  And he put a star by my name and said he'd see what he can do!  So within the next month or so, we should be drinking fresh (raw) cow's milk!!  For the benefits of raw cow's milk, click here . For more information, I encourage you to purchase or borrow a copy of Sally Fallon's Nourishing Traditions, or learn more about Weston A. Price and the incredible research he did in the early 20th century.  The link to the Weston A. Price Foundation is here.  Click on "health topics" for a ton of information.

That's it for now!  I have schoolwork to do.  ;-)

It's been a year...

I cannot believe the changes that have taken place in our lives this past year.  And I say wholeheartedly that there is no way we could have made it through without the Lord holding our hands, and at times carrying us through (yes, like in the "Footprints" poem...). I didn't realize how dark and scary it was until I made it out and was able to look back.  I know I'm stronger for it.

I am now a homeschooling mom.  :-D  I homeschooled Aimee for the first half of 2nd grade, but we put her in school shortly after Lex was born, because I had postpartum depression, four kids, a developmentally delayed 3 year old, and a stubborn "I don't feel like doing school" second grader.  It was too much for me at the time.  But things are different now.  For starters, the Lord blessed me with the use of my FAVORITE curriculum!!!  I have spent HOURS pouring over the Sonlight catalog and website, hoping one day I could homeschool (again) and at the very least, try to follow their curriculum.  About 6 months ago, before I even considered homeschooling again, I prayed, "Lord, You know how much I want this curriculum.  I need to let it go, but if it is within Your will for me to homeschool, and there is a way for me to get this curriculum, would You please provide it?"  About a month or so ago, my bestest friend and I decided to homeschool our preschoolers, along with a mutual friend of ours, and we were in line discussing curricula.  A woman behind us spoke up and asked if we homeschool.  I told her we were starting this year.  She said she was new to the church, had four children, and had been homeschooling for about 8 years.  I asked her which curriculum she uses, and she told me Sonlight!  I told her how much I love Sonlight, even though I've never used it, and asked how she liked it.  She said she had been using it for years.  We continued chatting and she asked me what grades my children were going into. When I told her, she said that she had the years I needed just sitting in her basement and I was welcome to them if I wanted!!!  Can you believe it?!  I still can't!!  This was our first week of school, and the books are everything I thought they would be and more.  My kids really do sit and pour over the books, even when we're not doing school.  And on our first day, my (now fourth grade) "I hate homeschooling" daughter said, "That's it?!  I love Sonlight!!"  She hasn't changed her opinion yet!  :)

I am also baby-sitting for my friend Ellisa a few days a week.  Her son, Max, is Amerie's age.  My sister Emma and I have made our own preschool curriculum (which I will share later if she's okay with it and I remember.  ;-)  I'm using it for Andrew, Amerie and Max, and incorporating some of the Sonlight P4/5 into it (which is what I went with for my boy). Andrew will also do Kindergarten math (his math workbook has a train on the front.  He is now permanently sold on math!) in the afternoon, during Amerie's naptime.

I am so excited about homeschooling!!  I have felt for years that i am supposed to be a homeschooling mother, and when God provided Sonlight for me, it was such a confirmation.  And no, I'm not getting paid for this advertisment by Sonlight.  :)  There are many, many different choices for homeschooling, and lots of them are incredibly good curriculums.  But I am a researcher, and research I did, even when I had given up the dream of homeschooling (I should have known then that it was something I should be doing, seeing as how I thought about it many times and researched it even after giving up).  After looking at many of my choices, I knew that Sonlight was the best for our family. Apparently so did the Lord!!  :-D

I am also trying to get back into eating a traditional diet.  I was so stressed with the changes going on in my life, especially after Phil filed for divorce in May, that I stopped eating.  I also stopped drinking pop like I used to.  Between the pop and the lack of food, I lost 25 lbs in just a couple of months.  My hair is falling out at such an incredible rate that it is worrying me, and I am sure it's because I'm undernourished.  So I spent this week planning out meals and snacks, grocery shopping, and collecting a ton of recipes.  Today, I made a roast for dinner (I am also anemic, surprise surprise, and want to try and build my iron supply through my diet, so I am incorporating lots of red meat and dark greens) and made a fresh batch of chiclen stock.  I haven't made chicken stock in months, but now that the air has a Fall chill to it, i'm craving some soup!!  I also have some pastry flour soaking in some yogurt to make this recipe for zucchini bread.  I have never made soaked grain zucchini bread before, but I'm excited to try it.  To read about the benefits of soaking grains, visit here or here.  Soaking grains allows our body to actually absorb the nutrients found in the grain, instead of passing them right through our bodies (think about this...most grain-fed animals have four stomachs, to allow the grains to properly break down and be absorbed in the stomach.  We have one stomach, so we need a little work done beforehand...).  In the morning, I am contemplating taking my four babies to Eastern Market.  It's a crazy place, in the middle of Detroit, so I might wait for the afternoon and drag my mom along to help me.  But I am almost out of raw honey, I need eggs and finally found a source of pastured eggs (whoo-hoo!!), and I'm looking forward to introducing my children to farmer's market shopping.  :)  It will be crazy, but fun!

That's it for now.  This mommy needs to get to bed...   :)

Thank You, Mom

I received a thank you note from my 8 year old daughter, Aimee, today.  It was taped to my bedroom wall, from a pack of simple thank-you note cards she found while cleaning her bedroom. Inside, in red Crayola marker, she had written, "I love you so much Mom, thank you for having me."  I chuckled when I read it, and thought about how cute it was and how much I love her.  And then I thought about what she had written.  Simple words, with so much weight behind them.  Weight she is completely unaware of, and couldn't possibly have thought of when she wrote it.  I'm sure she was trying to think of something loving and "grown up" to write.  But those words took me back...

When I was 17, I started dating a guy that was two years older, and had lived across the street from me since I moved in my 6th grade year.  We had never been friends.  Too be honest, I was always a little afraid of him.  I was a "good little Christian girl" who had been sheltered most of my years, and he was a drinker and a party-er, had been on the high school football team, and belonged to a world in which I knew nothing about.  Looking back, I'm still not sure why he was interested in me.  I can only assume I was incredibly boring to him.  But he paid attention to me (no one ever had), which made me feel very special.  He even went so far as to make sure his friends didn't swear in front of me or do anything that might offend me because, as he told them, "Liz isn't like that."

Four months after we were officially "dating," he left for Parris Island, S.C. to join the USMC.  My mom has said that she thinks I fell in love with him while he was gone, through the letters we would write back and forth.  Looking back, she was right.  But it was "love" all the same.  He arrived home just days before my high school graduation.  I remember walking into his kitchen, seeing him tan and fit and transformed the way only Marine Corps bootcamp and MCI can do.  If I hadn't fallen in love over letters, I did right then.

It didn't take long for our relationship to change.  He was still a party-er, and since i was 18 and had graduated high school, he thought it was time I "grew up" and left my old, boring ways behind.  I wasn't willing to do that.  But I really liked him and didn't want to disappoint him.  I was really torn.  We settled for "middle ground."  He came to church with me and hung out with me solo, and I never questioned his activities when he was with his friends.  After a month or so, we started talking marriage.

I'll summarize the rest.  We talked marriage.  I was in some pretty deep puppy love.  He wanted to move our relationship "forward" but I wanted to wait until we were married.  I gave in after a while.  I was going to marry him anyway, right?  After a couple months, my guilt was too much and I tried ending the physical part of our relationship.  It wasn't as simple and easy as I naively thought it would be.  I tried scaring him with the possibility of a baby, but his response was always that we'd be a family then and would get married.

It went on for several months.  I'm sure you can even guess the rest.  I finally ended things with him, as hard as it was.  I knew in my heart that we were different, and that I really did want to marry a Christian (which he was not interested in becoming).  We tried to remain friends, because we still loved eachother, but it was hard not to then want the relationship back.  A few weeks after my 19th birthday, a close friend came to me in tears.  She thought she might be pregnant.  My heart dropped in that moment when I realized i might be, too.

I went to him and told him my suspicions.  I didn't even have the money for a pregnancy test and had to get it from him.  I was so unbelievably scared (how would I tell my parents?  What would people say at church?  How would I not die of mortification?).  I will never in my life forget telling him.  All those months of him telling me we'd be a family were comforting me as I crossed the street to his house.  He met me at the door and greeted me with, "Well?"  i told him I was, and hope swelled up inside of me.  Hope that he'd take a breath, process what I said, and then we would get through it together.

He didn't.

He sat down and put his head in his hands.  After a moment, he looked up at me and said, "I can't have a kid, Liz.  I'll give you the money to go get an abortion."

Looking back, I should have expected that response.  But I didn't.  I honestly thought we would get through it together, no matter how scary and huge it was going to be.  I felt so heart broken and alone.

I understand the fear and desperation of that moment.  I understand the intense need to make life what it was only days before.  And I can tell you that God never makes a mistake when He creates a child, no matter the circumstances surrounding the child"s conception or birth.

She's 8 now.  Phil officially adopted her when she was 5.  She is sassy and beautiful and I cannot imagine my life without her daily presence.  And Phil, even though we will soon be divorced, loves her more than anything.  She is his princess.

So to her, it was a simple "thank you" she wrote to feel grown up and show her love.  But it was something even more meaningful to me.  And from a woman, who was once a scared teenager, alone and facing some pretty big decisions...it will be okay. And you will never regret having the baby.

It has been way too long. I'm so sorry!!

So...if you have read my previous posts (or even read my blog title), you know that I am a country girl at heart.  :)  I want a farm, I want some land (like, 80+ acres.  Someday...).  I love to learn the old ways, and I am pretty conservative.  Well...we have had quite a few changes around here, but I am fully confident that it is all the Lord's doing, and I am so excited!!

I want a farm.  This is one of my dreams.  I want to grow my own crops, preserve them, and eventually be able to say that all our food was grown or raised by our own hands (yes, this means I want a cow or two, chickens, goats, etc).  I don't have my own land yet (don't even have my own house), but i have a garden.  A huge one.  It is the very first garden in what will be a community garden program in the city of Warren, and I have the privelage of being a part of it all.  The first garden is on an acre or so of empty land behind my church, and we have converted it into a vegetable garden and what will soon be a certified monarch station / butterfly garden.  :)

I will not bore you with details.  I wouldn't even know where to start, anyway.  SO much has happened so fast, but it is all by the Lord's Hand, so I know it is Blessed.  This garden, the Hope Garden, will donate a portion of it's produce to Hope Center, which is a local food bank that allows it's clients to choose their own groceries (as opposed to bags filled with food they might not use).  Some of the produce will also go to places where we see a need for free, fresh produce.  And some of it will come home with those who have helped work the land.  We use organic methods, and so far have recieved almost every plant or tool through donations (God never fails us.  Sometimes He gives in abundance).
I'll stop describing, and start adding pics.  They say it all so much better anyway.  :)

Lexi, sitting in between two rows of tomatoes.

Aimee and a friend, planting onions

This is the front of the garden, in the back you can see the start of our vegetable beds (some pics are a couple weeks old)

Another view of the property, although it's hard to tell how deep the land really goes.  My kids love running all over when we are there.  :)

Just a few of the MANY flowers, fruit and vegetable plants we have received.  We even have two fruit trees!!

This is the crew that has been out in the 90+ degree heat, planting, tilling, digging, and sweating simply out of love and dedication.  :)  I'm in blue, in the middle.  On the left are my best friend Bethany, holding her daughter Kennady, and her husband Rob. On my immediate right is Ralph (Bethany's oldest brother), who dreamed this all up 2 years ago.  To the right of him is Rob's brother Alex, holding Rob and Bethany's daughter Anabeth, and his girlfriend Amy.  We have had many other volunteers, also.  And yes, down in front are my babies hanging out in the wheelbarrow.  :) 

First butterfly garden bed, although I have to add that it is much more developed now.

A closer view of the butterfly bed.

Bethany helping the kids in the children's garden.  We didn't think to have a children's garden until our kids, and the several pastors' kids, who all live behind the garden, wanted to help without an adult monitoring their every move.  Alas, the Children's Garden.  :)

Amerie "helping" in what is now strawberry beds.

A view from the back of the property.  I'm realizing now how badly I need to take more pictures.  :-/

Andrew "helping" hang the Hope Garden sign.  He was quite thrilled when Rob and Ralph pulled out the power tools and he got to watch and "help." :)

A row of volunteers, planting tomatoes.  Thank you!!

And I conclude with my favorite photo...

Andrew, who loves his guitar and making up his own songs, decided to sit in the middle of all the action, right beside the tomatoes.  He played us all some country tunes while we worked in the sun.  I loved every second of it.  :)

That's it for now.  Hopefully you can see why I haven't had time to blog!!  I will take more pictures and post them soon.  I love this garden, and everything that is happening through it and with it.  And I LOVE when God is in control!!

Worship

I just posted one of my absolute favorite worship songs.  It gives me chills when I think about all the song is describing.  I can't wait until I'm spending eternity worshiping my Maker, and being free from pain, sadness, etc.

I used to spend all week looking forward to Sunday morning worship.  We're blessed with an awesome praise and worship pastor at our church, and every Sunday is incredible.  But it just recently dawned on me that I don't have to be in church to sing praise and worship songs, lifting my hands to the heavens (I know, I'm slow at thinking outside of the box).  We live in a world of "one-click" access to all kinds of media.  So YouTube now holds a new importance in my life.  It opens up a world of music that moves me, even if i don't have the resources to purchase it and download it to my Itunes.

I have a few recommendations,  but I'm sure you each have your own favorites.  I'd love to hear what songs speak to your heart and bring you to worship.  And I suggest taking a few minutes out of your day to raise your hands to the Heavens and sing praise to our Father.  :)

Have a blessed day!

Hillsong United - You Hold Me Now

ready now - desperation band

How He Loves lyrics by David Crowder Band

Revelation Song -Philips Craig and Dean- (with lyrics)

:)

I am happy.  :)  My life is super crazy right now, but God is doing amazing things that I have the privilege of being a part of.  I cannot describe the joy that comes to your life when you surrender your whole self and let the Spirit have control.  My life will never be the same again.  :)

And i will try and post very soon some of the incredible things that He is doing!!

My baby girl. :)

Changes

If you've read some of my blog, you know that I am going through a lot of changes in my life.  One such change is the way my family eats, although I haven't been as diligent in this as i would have liked.  I have taken steps in the right direction, though.  I found a farmer's market that accepts foodstamps (right now, I am only able to feed my children by the grace of foodstamps.  Since I am coming to loathe supermarkets, I have been looking for better places to spend my food dollars).  Detroit's Eastern Market exchanges foodstamp dollars for coins, which do not expire and can be used at many of the market's vendors.  I recently purchased raw honey and a few interesting types of potatoes.  This Saturday, I will be making my way back downtown in search of farm fresh eggs, more fruits and veges, and maybe even some meat, if I can find the right vendor.  I have also officially given up Coca-Cola, which is huge for me.  I have had a bottle of kombucha each day instead, and since kombucha cleanses the liver, i felt it necessary to up my daily intake of water.  It's been three days and I have already lost three pounds (water weight, I am sure, but still nice). 

On the weight-loss note...I am not a fan of dieting and working out.  But I am a fan of healthy living, and i have been way too quick to use my life's stress as an excuse to be unhealthy.  I am in no way overweight, but i have had four children, and have thus incurred an extra 20 lbs.  I have lost 3, simply by exchanging soda for water.  We shall see if my dietary changes have any effect on my permanent weight.

I know that the changes i am making are quite big, and I'm prepared for the time it may take.  But i have "goals" in my mind, and by keeping these goals in mind, i have slowly been making steps in the right direction.

My goals are:

To give up pasteurized, homogenized milk, in exchange for raw, fresh milk

To grind my own grains for consuming, and to always soak or sprout them before using them

To give up almost all prepackaged, store bought foods

Consume 1-2 eggs per day, from healthy chickens (most likely from a small farm)

Eat more raw fruits and veges

Finally get in the habit of sleeping a full night, every night (it's 10:30 right now...)

Spend every morning in prayer, before my children awake, and consume more of my bible

Get all my recipes on 4x6 cards, organized and in one place!!!!

Learn more about natural cures and remedies, especially for my children

Learn to make all my own bath and beauty products, and some household products  (laundry soap???)

Get in the habit of taking my kids for a walk every day, for exercise and quality time  :)

Figure out schooling and money, so i can release some stress and start making a future farm a goal with a plan, not just a dream...

Those are my goals for now.  It's really nice to say that I have been getting better at making them habits, not just goals.  But it's definitely still a work in progress.  I have finally come to a place where I call on the Lord in everything, big and little, and I know that it's only by His grace and guidance that I am finally becoming who I've always wanted to be.  :)

I

Feeding Babies

I was reading up on nutrition and some new recipes at one of my favorite blogs, Meg's Fave Recipes.  I highly recommend the nutritional guidelines set by Weston Price, which is the basis for the book "Nourishing Traditions."  If you haven't read 'Nourishing Traditions,'  I am strongly encouraging you to run to the bookstore and buy a copy RIGHT NOW.  If you want to know why, refer back to this post.

Meg posted a link on her blog to a general guideline on feeding babies.  I think the info is so important, I am sharing it myself.  The doctors and food companies are wrong, wrong, WRONG.  A baby's stomach is not ready for any type of grain until after the first birthday, and we are taught to start an infant on cereal sometimes as early as 3 months.  If you have children, or are planning to have children, PLEASE read this post.  You very well may be (unknowingly) leading your infant down the road that leads to obesity, allergies, asthma, heart disease, or diabetes.  The link is here.

Again, I am not here to tell anyone how to do anything.  "To each, his own, I say."  But I feel very strongly about several topics, and traditional nutrition is one of them.  I wouldn't feel right about keeping the information to myself.

I will post more information soon.  I recently purchased my own grains and am going to experiment with grinding them myself before soaking and using them in baking recipes.  The info on why I soak my grains before baking or cooking them is here.  I will keep you posted on how they turn out.

My mom and i are also experimenting with homemade lotion recipes.  We've already tried making our own almond oil lotion, and grapeseed oil lotion.  We've both been using the grapeseed oil lotion for over a month.  It's pretty good stuff!  :)  I also want to try making toothpaste, deodorant, and various other health and beauty staples.  I'm loving the cost savings and control over what is in the products I'm using every day.  Especially in things my kids use, like toothpaste and lotion.  I will post the recipes after I have tried them, just in case anyone is interested.

Lastly, I bought some kombucha at a nearby health food store.  Kombucha is a chinese tea (it's actually a by-product of fermenting tea and sugar that is full of lacto-bacilli).  I read that it's hard to find store-bought kombucha that is worth drinking, but home brewing is hard, dangerous, and time-consuming.  The brand I tried was GT's Raw Organic, and it is definitely potent!!  From what I've read, true kombucha should give you a "buzz' after drinking it.  Try a bottle of GT's!!  I tried almost all the flavors, and I recommend the ginger.  Good stuff.  :)  According to the bottle (and many sources I've read) kombucha supports digestion, metabolism, the immune system, appetite control, weight control, liver function, body alkalinity, anti-aging, cell integrity, and healthy skin and hair.  I don't know if it can really accomplish all of those claims, but I've heard it's very good for cleansing the body of toxins.  FYI...you shouldn't drink kombucha if you are pregnant or nursing, since your body may dispose of toxins in your breastmilk, and a baby may receive them through your bloodstream.  I waited until I knew Lex was through nursing before I tried it.  I'm hooked for now.  :)

Farm Life

This is from a friend of mine, who is, as she puts it, 'living totally store free- on a farm, and at peace.''  I thought it would be a nice follow up to my post from yesterday, since it describes the life I want for myself and my kids PERFECTLY.  She sent this to her old homeschool group here in Michigan, just to tell them how they were all doing and describe the new life they were living.  I am so happy for her, and so jealous!!  :-)

'I want to move on a farm too and be with like minded people!!'


All this talk has made me think about how we are living now....I already did that-- and LOVE it. We butcher our own cows, hogs, pigs, chicken, turkeys, ducks and pheasants. We have fresh cow milk daily (and goat but none of us really like the taste too much- use it for cooking and cheeses) We make our own bread, cheese, doughs (for pizza, pies and stuff) and eat all chicken, pheasant, and duck eggs. It is sooooo easy- and waaaayyyy cheaper. All our animals are pasture (grass fed only!) with hay added. They also drink right out of the creek! Never knew they could live like that AND get fat-- but they do!! So-- no feeding or watering ever! Except for the pigs and hogs who get our table scraps. Just have to open chicken coop up in the morning than close it at night- chickens and all birds know to go in to avoid coyotes at night. Never knew farm life could be sooo easy. The neighbor butches all animals for us- and we package it up ourselves- so we just pay for original purchase of animal- and that's it. And now with baby chicks, pigs and cows- we don't even need to purchase them again! Have three freezers FULL of all cuts and kinds of meat- for about $500 total- Well worth it! EVERYONE out here does it-- they call it living on self-sufficient farms. We also have apple, plum, peach and pear trees- and now growing oranges and lemon-- hope they take! Also have strawberries, rasberries, blueberries, all kinds of beans, potatoes, corn, tomatoes, three different squashes, ect.. My sister still has a pantry full of canned stuff from last year- jellies, meats, veggies- ect... No added anything- sugar, preservatives, ect... She said her and the neighbor canned one day to get all that- it lasts over a year! And they had a fun day too! And my sister is an advid beekeeeper- so we have honey fresh every day- very beneficial to our health. She also grows all her own herbs ( the legal ones lol) pepper, parsley, sage, thyme, ect... She has over 30 of them. Including her own wheat field! We don't even grocery shop- really we don't - Well ocassionaly- when my kids whine for drinks like pop and such. (Our only guilty pleasure left. Otherwise we are pretty organic now I guess.) Tried this week to make our own butter and ice-cream-- both great! I love the health benefits- but moreso I love the cheapness of it all. I get steaks, pork chops, ribs, bacon, hamburger- for close to nothing- just the price of the animal and hay-- and not even going to a store! Really understand why people are doing this! Good luck to all of you who are trying to live this way also-- amongst "city living" I absolutely love having the space and opportunity to be able to do this!!

And since I moved her I have been feeling guilty that my children haven't done much schooling. But then I realized in one months time they have... Gathered eggs, watched baby chicks hatch and held and fed them, had baby ducks, had tadpoles turn into baby turtles, fished in the creek daily, had caterpillars turn into butterflies and let them loose, milked a cow, and fed baby cows a bottle, learned more about and cared for and fed horses, cows and pigs, gardened- and learned about spices, vegetables, fruits, cooked (learned math and science there) caught fireflies in jars at night, learned about bonfires and how air helps keep the fire going, ect... And once again I realize life is a constant lesson- and even if your not formally schooling them- they are always learning so much- just by living- and you being there right along with them. As a former homeschooler here told me- we are teaching our children life-lessons and how to be self-sufficient in life. And let me tell you- these homeschooled farm kids can and do work! It's just a "normal" way of life for them- and now us too:)
Just a little hi- to all my friends back there- and as you can see we are doing fine:) Take Care- and we'll be in touch........

I love it!!!  Farming is not for everyone, but to some there is no other way of life.  I feel it in my very soul.  I have wanted a farm since I was old enough to learn the difference between farm life and city life.  And I want THIS kind of farm.  Cows, pigs, chickens, bees, vegetable gardens, wheat fields, orchards...I could go on and on.

It seems like such a faraway dream, but Cheryl had written me to tell me that it's all possible.  God is so big!  If it is in accordance with His Will, He will make a way for a mom and her babies to live the farm life.  And then this country girl can blog all about it.  :-D 

Downsizing. :)

I have a slight disdain for the conventional American lifestyle.  I heard a statistic in church years ago that said  by simply living in America, you are richer than 80% of the world's population.  I thought on that for weeks.  And I'll admit that I was a spoiled brat and didn't even realize it.  I think we all are, even if it's just a little bit.

Have you ever skipped a meal because you didn't like what was being served?  Imagine waiting all day in line for a bowl of rice.

Have you ever run through the snow in your bare feet to get the mail or morning paper?  Imagine not having any shoes.

What about running the TV simply for noise?  Ever thought about those who've never had electricity?

How about standing in a hot shower or bath, simply to relax after a stressful day.  Can you imagine NEVER having used indoor plumbing?

Can you?  Can you really imagine what that lifestyle would be like?  Do you ever stop and thank God for the lifestyle you were born into?  Even if you never had a tv, or fancy clothes, or gourmet meals.  You were fed every day, I assume.  Always clothed appropriately.  Probably had a warm, clean bed to sleep in.

I know that my opinions and choices are not for everyone.  I don't expect them to be.  You are you, and God made me to be me.  And these things weigh very heavy on me.

I remember when I got married, and I casually mentioned to a close family member that we weren't going to get cable.  He was shocked at the thought of an American not having a TV, and could not understand why I would give up such a standard item.  At the time, it was a money issue.  But the lack of it helped me to realize how unnecessary it was to my life.

Tonight I had an epiphany while trying to get my kids to clean up the family room.  They have so many toys! By the time we were done cleaning it all up, we had lost a half hour of our time and I was in a grumpy mood.  I would much rather have spent that time doing something else.  I spent the entire day today going through all of the boxes from Phil's house, and I can't begin to tell you how much stuff I didn't want to get rid of, but had completely forgotten I owned!!  I don't need any of it.  And i hate the space it takes up.

So I have decided to downsize.  I am getting rid of almost all of our toys.  My kids consistently play with the same few toys, so I'm giving away the rest.  I'm also getting rid of our TVs.  Yes, we have several.  And I have been getting more and more uncomfortable with the direction television is going.  I caught an episode of a Disney cartoon that showed a classroom full of children singing, "Evil!  Evil!  We want evil!!!"  Are you KIDDING me?????  I'm done.  I don't have the time or desire to watch everything my kids might see, and if I can't even trust the Disney channel to be safe, I can't trust anything. 

This is going to be a little difficult for me considering that I live in my parents house.  I can't exactly tell them that their TV's and DVR's have to go.  And I am fairly confident that I will get some opinions that say I am "sheltering" and "depriving" my children, when the word gets out about our downsizing.  But if these things are uneccessary, why do we need them?  If they distract us from the goal, why should we hold on to them?  My most important job as a parent is to teach my children to live a holy lifestyle, to consume the Bible from a very young age, and to set aside time every day for prayer and communion with Holy Spirit.  Not to learn Spanish from Dora the Explorer.

I want to tell you about a neighbor I once had.  She had a profound effect on me, and she probably never even knew it!  We lived in a second story apartment, and she lived in the apartment directly below us, with her 3 children.  She was a woman of God and I loved talking with her in passing.  One day, we were invited into her home.  The first thing I noticed upon entering was that she had no furniture!!  There were two bar stools at the kitchen counter, and an old rocking chair in a corner.  No couches, no TV.  They didn't even have a kitchen table.  I was in shock.

But then she walked me over to her dining room wall.  It was covered from floor to ceiling with scripture verses that she would write on paper and tape to the wall, and she and her children would read them over when life got too hard.

I thought on that for months. 

She had no distractions.  Maybe it was a little extreme, and probably due to financial circumstances she was in, but what a wake up call i received when i walked back up to my own apartment that night!!  I want that simplicity in my life!!  I don't want all the junk, all the distractions.  I want my time spent doing something useful, like learning scripture or telling my kids a Bible story.  Or having heart to heart with God because the kids are sleeping and I have finished my housework for the day.

Can you imagine how your life would change if you spent even one evening per week talking with God instead of sitting in front of the television??

It's not going to be easy.  This life is pretty comfortable, and when I'm tired, I love sitting in front of the tube watching my shows on the DVR.  And a part of me is afraid that I really will need the extra Christmas decorations if I get rid of them.  Or the sweatshirt I haven't worn in two years.  Or even the cd's I still have from high school.  It's my stuff, and I want to keep it.

But it's crowding my life.  I want to empty it all out so the important things takes center stage.

Like my neighbor and her Bible verses.







 

Where I am at this point in time. :)

I just had the craziest week in my life (maybe not, but it really did feel like it).  This was the first week that I worked two different jobs, plus my kids have had several end-of-the-year field trips that I've participated in.  To top it off, this was also the week that my husband filed for divorce and insisted on clearing his house of every item that is or was mine/ours.  PLUS, tomorrow is my son's 5th birthday party.  So I ran around like crazy all week, and have to get my house in order in one day.  And what am I doing?  Blogging.  :-/

If you've read my previous posts, you've heard me say that I am at peace with my divorce.  I don't understand some of the things i've received from the Lord, but I know His voice and that i need to trust and follow even when i don't understand.

One thing i really struggled with the last 6 months was the peace I am feeling.  I fought it.  I know that sounds crazy, but I did.  I love my husband very, very deeply.  I knew it was time to leave when i did, and I left with the intention to pursue a divorce.  But as time went by, I became less angry and more willing to forgive.  I've also been sensitive to the fact that I made the commitment to my marriage not only for my husband, but also for the Lord's sake.  And for that, I have always been willing to give it everything I had.

I prayed for months on behalf of my marriage.  I begged God, I pleaded.  I cried out to Him, and asked Him to help me understand.  Why did i feel such unrest when I pursued my husband?  Why did i feel such a peace when I let it go?  It didn't make sense to me.  Shouldn't God want to save every marriage?  He definitely has the power.  Why didn't He swoop in and save mine?  I thought he hated divorce??  These things ran through my mind all the time.

God definitely hates divorce, and according to Jesus, in Matthew 19, divorce is only "permissable" at times.  But not required.  And my heart was ready for whatever fight I needed to face. 

I don't understand why He told me to let it go.  I have my theories, but they're just that...theories.  I know that I was willing to do what it took to save my marriage, but God told me to be at peace with what was to come (and for the record, I never felt that I should file for a divorce myself).  On Tuesday, my husband texted me that he had finally filed for a divorce.

I have remained in prayer over the last few months, and have sought His will and desires in everything.  There are desires in my heart that I know are from Him, and when the time is right, He will bring them to pass.  I don't neccesarily understand all of it, but I have complete faith that He loves me and wants the best for me.  Today, I felt Him tell me to remove my wedding ring.  I said, "really Lord?  But I'm not divorced yet."  He told me again, "it's time."  I said, "But what will people think?  I'm still married!!"  But again, He gently said, "put it away."  So I did, even though I questioned it. 

I don't think divorce is the answer for every suffering marriage.  And I don't think removing your wedding ring before the divorce is final is the right answer for everyone.  These are things that were particular to my own personal circumstances, and even I don't understand them (have I said that enough?)  I have kept many details of my marriage and seperation/divorce private, so it's hard to share all my thoughts about it without betraying that privacy.  But the Lord hears my prayers and I seek Him daily.  I know that He has revealed to me remarriage and more children in the future, which I strongly desire.  And He has helped me get through these months full of strength and peace, when my humaness wanted to linger in depression and despair.

I put a lot of private thoughts in this post, but maybe they needed to be shared.  This is my journey, after all, and I'm completely led by Him.  These are the latest steps on that journey.  I also want to add, before I go, that because I have kept so many details private, it may be easy to misinterpret things that I do or have received through prayer.  The Lord knows my heart, and my husband's.  He knows the marriage and circumstances that I left under last August.  And because of those private details, I am where I am and the Lord has spoken what He has.  So I'm resting in the fact that anyone reading this can see my heart enough to know that I am only following Him, not myself.  :)  And that what He has revealed to me is not what He would reveal to everyone.  But He will reveal what's right for you if you seek Him.  :)

Have a blessed day.

"My Grace is Sufficient"

I had a talk with a friend the other day (actually, it was the same friend and the same conversation about my interest in blogging).  I asked him his feelings and convictions about vaccinating his two little girls.  His answer was that he also sought the Lord about it, and the Lord kept coming back with "My grace is sufficient."  That really stuck with me.  If we lay our lives at His feet, He is going to take care of us.  If we seek Him in everything, He will guide us.  If vaccinating our children will be harmful to them, He will tell us.  If He doesn't, we need to trust in His perfect plan.  He sees the whole picture, and if we are in submission to His will, we don't need to stress over every little decision.  If we earnestly seek Him everyday, He will guide our every step.

I have been in a cloud of stress and anxiety lately.  Part of it is due to the fact that i have been staying up late, and i am very aware of the fact that I have a much harder time fighting Satan off when I am tired than when I am fully rested.  I am aware of God's promises, biblical and personal.  And yet i am stressing over the details of our lives.

I sought the Lord over tuition and enrolling my children at our Christian school.  I feel very strongly that they belong there (for personal reasons.  I am not saying that other educational options are wrong; they feel wrong for my children at this time).  But I have a very (very) small budget.  I sat down about a month ago and figured out my (potential) income vs. my expenses.  I have zero room for flexibility.  A short check, a sick day at my part-time job, or an emergency will throw off all my bills and obligations for the month.  Plus, paying tuition for two children means no fun money.  At all.  Add to that the fact that I have quite a bit of overdue tuition, since I waited many months for child support and couldn't make my payments.  I don't see any way to pay off this past year before the new one begins.

I'm also stressing about my future.  As I have said before, I am a planner.  I HAVE to have a plan!!  And I am at such a weird place in my life right now.  I am entirely in submission to the Lord and the work He wants to do in my life. I also know that His plan is FAR greater than anything i could ever come up with on my own.  But I get so much anxiety about the unknown.

Fortunately, I have learned that days like today are usually because I am tired and/or I am under attack.  So this afternoon, when my children were napping, I slipped away to my room and had a heart to heart with God.  I asked His forgiveness for my lack of trust, and also for His understanding.  He knows my heart, and that I really do want to trust in His plans.  I just get scared sometimes (and for the record, it's REALLY scary transitioning from a simple housewife/stay-at-home mom, who's husband took care of everything, to a single mother of four with no money and no idea what the future holds or how I'm going to do it all by myself).  I am also afraid that He might give me an instruction and I will be too busy to notice.  He has shown me His plans and has laid certain things on my heart.  I feel that my longing for more children and my own farm are from Him.  I feel that my new convictions are a result of seeking His Spirit.  And I am resting in His promises.

My big concerns today were tuition and the direction of my future.  During my prayer time, I sought the scriptures and several were laid before me.  I'll share a couple of them...

Zechariah 4:6
"So he said to me, 'This is the word of the Lord to Zarabbabel: Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,' says the Lord Almighty."
(Twice this week I was given this verse, and had never even heard it before!)

Jeremiah 29:11-13
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
(Sidenote...I love, love, LOVE that our God knows our hearts before we even come to Him.  We can't hide anything from Him, and we don't have to prove ourselves to Him.  He already KNOWS.  I feel such peace knowing that He knows that I am honestly seeking Him and I don't have to convince Him it's genuine.)

When my prayer time was over (and my kids were awake), the line that kept ringing through my head was, "My grace is sufficient."  He knows I'm trying to trust Him, even if I struggle.  He knows that tuition has to come from Him.  He knows I am trusting in Him for the future, and that I am willing to do whatever He asks of me.  And He will bless me because of my faithfulness.  I don't think that He is angry or dissapointed in me on days when i struggle, either, because I am earnestly seeking Him with my whole heart. Life is really, really hard right now, and He knows that.  But He loves me and sees my commitment to Him, and I'm sure he finds joy in it.  And He knows what needs to be done in my life.
 
His grace is sufficient.

Random thoughts at 11:00 pm

I cannot begin to number the amount of times I've wondered what my life will look like 20 years from now, when i can look back on it in perspective.  Will I feel I made wise choices?  Did I do the right things for my kids?  Big things AND all the little things?  Was I terribly stressed out, but way too busy to notice?  Will I still feel sad?

Saturday, Phil and I walked through his house (which used to be ours) and split our stuff.  I think it was one of the most emotional things I've ever done.  It was horrible.  I didn't know whether to feel sad, angry, or both.  I didn't know if i should stand strong and hold my head high, or beg him to agree to try again.  Even typing this now is bringing all the emotions back to the surface.

I feel so confused.  I said i had peace over it, and I did.  But i feel so sad at the same time.  And i keep thinking that if I pray hard enough, or long enough, maybe I can save my marriage.  But at the same time, I wonder if i should.  Or if I even want to.  I don't know.

I have always obsessed over decisions.  And usually, as soon as i make up my mind, i start to doubt myself and I have to start all over again.  But lately, I'm thinking that i need to stop trying to make all the decisions.  I feel like the Lord wants me to let it all go (big and little things) and trust in Him.  It doesn't matter how school tuition gets paid, He said He'd cover it.  It doesn't matter right now how I get my farm, or how big it will be, or how i can use it for His purposes.  He's got it in His hands.  Right now, I need to concentrate on each day as it comes.  And when the day is over, I need to go to bed, knowing that tomorrow is in His hands, too, and that He will guide each step.  It's not neccessary that I see every step of the way, just the step that i'm on.  :)

It's really hard for me to give up my worry.  I am a planner, a dreamer.  I like to figure it all out, and have a plan for every possible scenario.  But I can't do that right now.  My life has gone in a direction that I never thought it would, and i don't know what the future holds.  It's really scary for me.  But I know that my God is a big, big God.  And that He's done some pretty incredible stuff.  I think He can take care of the lives of a single mom and her four precious babies.  And that His plan is far better than anything i could ever dream up myself.  So as hard as it is for me, I'm going to trust in Him.  I'm going to surrender each day as it comes, and when i look back 20 years from now, I will see His hand in my life and the direction that He took me.  And I will be very blessed.

Somehow this post turned into my testimony...

So...I had some friends tell me this week that they had read my blog.  I admitted that I was surprised, since silly me thinks that no one ever reads it.  :)  They asked me if I am really into blogging.  My answer?  No.  I am so terrible at this.  I was never one for remembering to journal, either.  :-P  But I think it's starting to grow on me.

I've really been amazed lately at the work the Lord has been doing in my life.  I'm almost starting to feel spoiled.  He is so gracious and loving.  I pray constantly that I can please Him and bless Him in return.

I'm one of those Christians who's "been a Christian forever."  I can't tell you when I was saved.  I was probably a young child.  I grew up in the same church that I now attend with my children (it's been 28 years this past March).  I'm not the rebellious type, so making the decision to "be good" and follow Christ was easy for me all 28 of those years.  But I was never passionate about it.  I never woke with praise on my lips, never laid myself at Christ's feet and submitted myself completely as His servant.  But how I wish I could tell you the joy of coming to that place!!!  This has probably been the hardest year of my life, but also the most wonderful.  They say that when you go through life's storms, you either cling to the Lord, or turn from Him.  I clung to Him with everything I had.  I know that He does not cause the bad, but He can use it.  He used it to set me free from my complacency and grow me into maturity.  And I now know the feeling of being in the presence of His Spirit, and also the peace of coming to that place where you submit yourself to Him and ask Him to fill you up with that same Spirit.  And I don't have to worry anymore.  I know that He loves me and that He is watching over me, and my children.  I know that everything is in His hands.  And I know that He is pleased with me, because I have given Him everything I can.  Do you know how wonderful it is to know that GOD is pleased with ME???  I love Him so much.

There is a lot going on in our lives right now.  Tomorrow, Aimee has an interview for a potential (big) scholarship for next year (my kids attend our church's Christian school, and I am relying on the Lord to provide the tuition.  He told me He would, and I trust that this scholarship is in His Hands).  After the interview, I am going (alone, of course) to Phil's and we are physically dividing up our stuff.

I have a peace about my divorce.  It took me forever to surrender to that peace (because I didn't understand the "why" of it), but it is from the Lord and I need to rest in that.  I know that God has a plan, and He knows I am in agreement to it, whatever it may be.  And He's even been gracious enough to give me little glimpses into the future.  But no matter where He takes me, I know that I will be happy.  I know that I will be cared for.  And I know that I have His Love.  And I look forward to serving Him, and one day standing before Him and meeting Him face to face.  But for now, I am living every day as His servant.  And I'm loving every step of the journey.  :)

To be honest...

It's almost midnight.  I have been sitting at this computer for almost 3 hours, trying desperately to write a post about vaccines.  I have struggled with it since my last post.  

One week ago, I took my oldest in for a well-check.  After promising her all day that she had no reason to fear the needle because she was done with her shots, we were informed that she needed the Hepatitis A booster.  I gave the okay and bought her McDonald's after so she wouldn't hate me.

I also discussed with the pediatrician my fears about vaccines and my struggle with the decision to vaccinate Lexi.  Although she was incredibly patient, she was very much for vaccinations and clearly frustrated with parents who are uneducated but opinionated.  I was not opinionated.  Nor uneducated.  But there seem to be many parents who are jumping on the "anti-vaccine" bandwagon without really knowing why, and they are giving us genuinely concerned parents a bad name.

In the end, Lexi recieved 3 shots.  MMR, and two that I cannot remember because it is midnight and my brain is exhausted.  The pediatrician suggested 6 different vaccines she was due for, but I was struggling with the 3 (at one time) and put my foot down.

I do not know what the best answer is.  If Lex was my first child, I probably would not vaccinate her or any subsequent children.  I am uncomfortable with what I am finding.  But I also struggle with putting her at risk for now-preventable diseases that her siblings are vaccinated against. 

As for the rumors, they seem to hold some weight.  There are cells from aborted children used in manufacturing several of the vaccines, MMR being the worst offender (I did not realize this last Friday).  The abortions were done in the 60's and as far as I have discovered, they are still using cells from the same babies.  Although the cells are not in the actual vaccine, they do require the fetal tissue to grow the viruses.  Please forgive me, but I do not know where I stand on this.  If aborted fetal tissue were continually needed for vaccines (therefor continually funding the abortion industry) I can tell you that I would be 100% against it.  But 40+ years ago?  Which now protects millions of children from vaccine-preventable diseases?  I do not know if I find it morally wrong.  I just don't know.

As for the "autism/ADHD" scare, looking back I think I let the pediatrician change my mind and I really regret that now.  MMR is a scary vaccine.  I wish I had said no.  

I cannot give you my opinion right now.  There's too much out there.  When I started this post tonight, I was for them, with caution.  But as I looked back over my research, I remembered my reservations.  To read about the aborted fetal tissue, you can simply Google "fetal tissue vaccines."  

I do not believe the truth can honestly be sought.  The drug companies have mucho $$ and they make lots of it off of vaccines.  I am not against our goverment, but I do not believe that decisions are made with our best interest in mind.  I believe mistakes are covered up, especially when money (and lots of it) comes into play.  Even if vaccines DO cause autism, I do not believe that a simple stay-at-home mom could prove it.  Especially off the internet.  :-/

So I close with this...do not cast me off.  There is much truth, and I seek to find it.  But I started with the wrong topic.  :-(  I do not know where I stand on this issue, and may not for a while.  But food?  Aluminum? Diabetes and heart disease?  These are topics with which I have much to say.  :)  Also, I cannot simply limit my blog to my "research papers." I'm really not that opinionated of a girl.  I'm more along the lines of "curious" and "cautious."  And I have a growing fascination with finding out who I am and where I stand.  I was once a simple wife and mother, without her own mind.  Now I am a soon-to-be divorced mother of four, just trying to find her place in this world.  Come with me if you want.  :)